i don't know why, but today was rather..... depressing. nothing bad happened, just sorta out of it? heh~

i'm going to turn 20 soon and i can't help but wonder, what have i been doing these past 20 years of my life? i haven't really done anything, and i don't see how i've changed over the years to become a better person. i don't see how i've become smarter, or wiser, or personality-wise better, or much more able to think and stand-up for myself, or better at writing or kendo, i don't see any of it. and worse of all, today while ragging, and yesterday while watching training, i realise i just can't be bothered anymore. as in, i've lost that passion in me. it's as though i'm doing things methodically. don't get me wrong, i do like kendo, and i do enjoy ragging, i just feel like im not into it as much as i used to anymore. instead, i just feel tired. very tired. and suffocated. day-in and day-out, its rag, kendo, tuition,family and friends, rag kendo tuition family and friends, i feel as though im losing myself. i dont seem to be able to just sit and rest and have time to myself. and i think this in-turn is making me just shut-down.

and next week, there's arts pre-camp. and then training. and then rag rag rag and tuition tuition tuition. i have 3 kids to tuition now, making it 5 lessons per week. all of them are taking psle this year, and i'm teaching english to all of them. my birthday... prolly spend it slaving away. the remainder of this week, there's shopping for a few friends' pressie and tutees' assessment books, rag, tuition and training and bbq.

argh... i hope i wont just burn-out and leave an empty shell behind.