todae we had teachers' day celeb.... ms latimer's last day w us.... she gave the lit students a talk after tt, but more on tt later...

woke up, abt to head for sch, then remb i havent done anything for mi council teachers....quickly grabbed some postcards to write.... reached sch, rushed through them like hell.... sianz... wrote for gomez too.... haiz....when i gave to him tt time, he was quite surprised... oh well

then had assembly.... after tt was mass dance..... partnered nisa haha....... recalling the orientation dances.... miss those days... yah ...anw my class at first dun wan to dance, then me, nisa, idayu and jasmine led the way.... then e guys joined us.....quite fun haha... kept laughing at e guys...so cacat seh.... heh.... kept joking ard and all....heh.... w them ard, nth is serious la.... then doing the chicken dance, frm small circle to big circle....at first was oni me,jas,nisa and dayu, then we joined w e guys, then we joined w e rest of e class and mr anand...haha.. anand like small kid like tt, happily dancing.... so farni.... then we repeated all the dances again, everybody warmed up le, all happily dancing away... e best one still the chicken dance, the whole arts fac formed a huge circle and run ard.......hahaha....... kewl!!!!!!! e best thing is when e arts fac is small and everyone knows everyone else and u can juz have fun tog.... tt's a gd thing abt e arts fac :D our own arts family hehe~ had so much fun!!!!! haha..... funniest thing was watching e teachers dance as well....e dm was dancing in front of us, we kept laughing at him and his partner...haha..... yah very mean... :P wanted to dance hey ya!, but no one dance w me and nisa....so sad :( oh well.... maybe dere's next yr's orientation, looking forward to coming back as fit instructor(if can make it). yuppies.....

after tt, went to hall for the concert...so sian sit dere and wait.... mi class playing w lil hamster and lil tortise...... they call e hamster "eraser". so my classmate decided to be lame and told anand tt the tortise was called "liquid paper".... -_-"....wadeva lor gary.... lil eraser dun like him, keep bitting his hand....haha~ :P too bad gary!!!! then when i was carrying the hamster, harun wanted to carry her, so i passed to him. as she went over to harun's hand, she shitted on him....haha~ i so lucky..... heeee~

e concert was ok lah...... not say very fantastic or anything, according to my friends, last yr's one was nicer.... din get to catch last yr's one though, was busy running ard making sure things were in order and all..... haiz.....

after tt, had lat's talk.... yah. it was very sad.... she said its a pity we din get to like really get to know one another...... her speech was really touching and motivating. if u believe in urself and see things positively, have no fears, no doubts, no worries, juz e determination to do it, then e universe will ensure tt u have wad is needed to achieve it. only u do not know when u will get it, so u have to be patient abt it and wait.... u juz have to trust fate and tt it knows what is best for u.... so our biggest job now is to clear e a's..... she told us we shd all aim for straight As, what's dere to stop us? nth.... only ourselves. our mentality. so as long as we get past tt, we will be able to achieve what is it tt we long for.... and one day we will get it. e most impt thing is to not let wad we desire out of our sight. make a list. keep it in mind. when u make a list, u're making a commitment to it, and u're working towards it. yah. so guess we'll be doing wad she told us...... one of the last few advice she's going to give us...... she also touched on miracles, how its happening everywhere ard us... i know wad she means, i've witnessed some myself..... marc and e accident, e fact tt he's alive, and having recovered so fast is a testimony to tt, my friend, who's still alive despite tt hole in her heart..... micheal, who didnt die tt fateful day, but lived..... my uncle, who fought cancer bravely and is doing well now..... my parents, who did everything they could to salvage their marriage.... they r all miracles..... when things didnt seem possible, it happened..... u know what's e biggest miracle i wish for now? it's for micheal to be able to be well again, to be able to talk, to walk, to stand on his own two feet again, laugh and smile and crap like he used to..... it's sth i've wished for and prayed for for so long...i wont give up on hope...i will look forward to tt day.....

after her talk, met lp at concourse.... went to jp's delifrance for lunch, had smoked salmon sandwich....yummy! hehe~ then went to jalan jalan, so bored haiz.... sian sian..... then left for lot 1, watched stepford wives! the show quite er... lame? funny? yah.... but lp didnt really get the underlying meaning of e whole movie... i guess tt since im studying tt particular topic now, i sorta knew wad its about...... so scary, all these utopic/dystopic films....and e fact tt it's entirely possible in e future... imagine a perfect spouse...or in e terms of stepford, a perfect wive, who glides, smiles, looks perfect, enjoys being a full-time housewife, actually allows e guy to have "incredible sex in the middle of the day"(joanna)... now, imagine tt same person is actually a robot...or semi-robot.... eew.... sex w a robot? no way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is so brave new world.... dehumanisation of humanity(or women)..... perfect beings..... wonder where we r all heading to now.... this state of e world? our quest for perfection could well juz lead to tt.... nth's perfect. we can aim for it, but we cant achieve it. the biggest irony in the movie was, the men thought they got it all figured out, tt they had control over their wives.... tt their wives r slaves to them.... but u know, tt big guy tt they turn to for help? he's a robot, created by his wife, who's a crazy freak who enjoys being subservient to her husband. sorry darling, but it aint gonna happen now.... to me, women shdnt be seen as slaves for men, nor shd men be seen as slaves for women. they shd both treat each other w respect, accept each other for who they are, flaws and all, and not wish tt they were someone better...someone else..... tt's wad it shd be... not u the slave and im the master.... u can go to hell w tt notion.

yah then after e show, came home, zzzzzzzzzz... haha. nearly forgot to cook dinner... bro making noise...sianz. tmr, his friends coming over, wtf!!!!!! how to study..... sianz. not allowed to go out to study some more.... sianz. maybe go to westmall to makan and buy feli's pres.... yah. maybe. ha. will see. k,g2g, chaoz!




last nite...was chatting w tingren when zhiyu called....chat w one crazy person not enough, muz chat w two concurrently...haha.... zy make me do a him, left ear is him, right ear is tr....damn funny lor....e two of them keep trying to sae hello to each other but couldnt hear....haha.....:P then so noisy some more, two of em....laugh until cannot tahan both of em... yah then tr tired, she fell sick again, so she went to sleep....aiyo girl, take care leh, prelims coming le, muz take care of health hor.... yah then cont'd crapping w zy, he giving me wad....er "live" olympic report... basically juz repeating wadeva a newscaster was saying...sianz.... his tv on until so loud i can hear wad e newscaster was saying already, dont need him to tell me! heh.... he muz be deaf le haha.... yah, then mi mum started like patroliing e corridor outside mi rm, keep peeping at me, so i told zy she slp le then ask him to call back....... went back to doing lit....sianz silas marner... argh!!!!!! chose those hard qn.... liaoz.... then got fed-up, check w idayu, turned out others still have yet to tell her which qn they chose, so i changed qn......hehe~ :P juz nice e silas marner guidebk i had addressed e two issues in e essay qn, so can do....:) haha~

then got tired, said nite, msg zy say he can call le...ha....so hot seh...on e aircon, then can close e door, so they cant see me using phone :) haha.... yah then contd crapping w him.....i was like half-stonning le heh cos he spending bulk of time blogging and replying mails, so he cant multi-task, so he typing tt time i keep quiet....spend e time stoning and listening to music haha....finally he finish typing le, tok a bit, then he say want to go shower....diaoz.......then i say can, but i want to go slp.....then he replied if i slp, he'll call and wake mi up..... so i was like "serious ah". then he say "yah, go find sth to entertain urself, count sheeps or sth, give me 10 mins k?" so i like, wadeva lor, then lie there and cont'd stoning....fell into a light doze...purposely switch e phone to got sound.... woke up at several intervals to see he hasnt called... at 1 plus, damn pissed le....juz straightaway off e phone and go to zzzzzzzzz..........kaoz, make me stay up fer nth seh....ass........:P in e morn still got tuition some more.... %#@*!

turned out he was busy chatting w marc after showering.....liaoz e two of em gaying ard until he forgot he forced me to stay up to tok to him...*bish bish!* yah la, then mi tuition tt time damn tired lor...sianz.....cant really concentrate, after tuition crashed for awhile....ha. yah then for punishment he has to treat me to lunch!!!! hehehe~ :P who ask u to ps me..... :P hmm.......muz choose more ex one *evil grinz* hehehe~

aiee!!!!!! feli bd coming, haven get her bd pres yet!!!!!!!! ah!!!!!!!!!!! tr help!!!!!!! hmm..... yah she yesterdae oso telling me story, damn funny seh, but not for me to divulge heh...sorry folks...ha. k, muz got shopping le.... gonna go bankrupt again sian.... aye zy, think u need to treat me to one wk worth of lunch le hahaha..........

kies,tt all...time to tackle 2nd qn for lit!!!!!!!! chaoz.




last nite...was chatting w tingren when zhiyu called....chat w one crazy person not enough, muz chat w two concurrently...haha.... zy make me do a him, left ear is him, right ear is tr....damn funny lor....e two of them keep trying to sae hello to each other but couldnt hear....haha.....:P then so noisy some more, two of em....laugh until cannot tahan both of em... yah then tr tired, she fell sick again, so she went to sleep....aiyo girl, take care leh, prelims coming le, muz take care of health hor.... yah then cont'd crapping w zy, he giving me wad....er "live" olympic report... basically juz repeating wadeva a newscaster was saying...sianz.... his tv on until so loud i can hear wad e newscaster was saying already, dont need him to tell me! heh.... he muz be deaf le haha.... yah, then mi mum started like patroliing e corridor outside mi rm, keep peeping at me, so i told zy she slp le then ask him to call back....... went back to doing lit....sianz silas marner... argh!!!!!! chose those hard qn.... liaoz.... then got fed-up, check w idayu, turned out others still have yet to tell her which qn they chose, so i changed qn......hehe~ :P juz nice e silas marner guidebk i had addressed e two issues in e essay qn, so can do....:) haha~

then got tired, said nite, msg zy say he can call le...ha....so hot seh...on e aircon, then can close e door, so they cant see me using phone :) haha.... yah then contd crapping w him.....i was like half-stonning le heh cos he spending bulk of time blogging and replying mails, so he cant multi-task, so he typing tt time i keep quiet....spend e time stoning and listening to music haha....finally he finish typing le, tok a bit, then he say want to go shower....diaoz.......then i say can, but i want to go slp.....then he replied if i slp, he'll call and wake mi up..... so i was like "serious ah". then he say "yah, go find sth to entertain urself, count sheeps or sth, give me 10 mins k?" so i like, wadeva lor, then lie there and cont'd stoning....fell into a light doze...purposely switch e phone to got sound.... woke up at several intervals to see he hasnt called... at 1 plus, damn pissed le....juz straightaway off e phone and go to zzzzzzzzz..........kaoz, make me stay up fer nth seh....ass........:P in e morn still got tuition some more.... %#@*!

turned out he was busy chatting w marc after showering.....liaoz e two of em gaying ard until he forgot he forced me to stay up to tok to him...*bish bish!* yah la, then mi tuition tt time damn tired lor...sianz.....cant really concentrate, after tuition crashed for awhile....ha. yah then for punishment he has to treat me to lunch!!!! hehehe~ :P who ask u to ps me..... :P hmm.......muz choose more ex one *evil grinz* hehehe~

aiee!!!!!! feli bd coming, haven get her bd pres yet!!!!!!!! ah!!!!!!!!!!! tr help!!!!!!! hmm..... yah she yesterdae oso telling me story, damn funny seh, but not for me to divulge heh...sorry folks...ha. k, muz got shopping le.... gonna go bankrupt again sian.... aye zy, think u need to treat me to one wk worth of lunch le hahaha..........

kies,tt all...time to tackle 2nd qn for lit!!!!!!!! chaoz.




last nite...was chatting w tingren when zhiyu called....chat w one crazy person not enough, muz chat w two concurrently...haha.... zy make me do a him, left ear is him, right ear is tr....damn funny lor....e two of them keep trying to sae hello to each other but couldnt hear....haha.....:P then so noisy some more, two of em....laugh until cannot tahan both of em... yah then tr tired, she fell sick again, so she went to sleep....aiyo girl, take care leh, prelims coming le, muz take care of health hor.... yah then cont'd crapping w zy, he giving me wad....er "live" olympic report... basically juz repeating wadeva a newscaster was saying...sianz.... his tv on until so loud i can hear wad e newscaster was saying already, dont need him to tell me! heh.... he muz be deaf le haha.... yah, then mi mum started like patroliing e corridor outside mi rm, keep peeping at me, so i told zy she slp le then ask him to call back....... went back to doing lit....sianz silas marner... argh!!!!!! chose those hard qn.... liaoz.... then got fed-up, check w idayu, turned out others still have yet to tell her which qn they chose, so i changed qn......hehe~ :P juz nice e silas marner guidebk i had addressed e two issues in e essay qn, so can do....:) haha~

then got tired, said nite, msg zy say he can call le...ha....so hot seh...on e aircon, then can close e door, so they cant see me using phone :) haha.... yah then contd crapping w him.....i was like half-stonning le heh cos he spending bulk of time blogging and replying mails, so he cant multi-task, so he typing tt time i keep quiet....spend e time stoning and listening to music haha....finally he finish typing le, tok a bit, then he say want to go shower....diaoz.......then i say can, but i want to go slp.....then he replied if i slp, he'll call and wake mi up..... so i was like "serious ah". then he say "yah, go find sth to entertain urself, count sheeps or sth, give me 10 mins k?" so i like, wadeva lor, then lie there and cont'd stoning....fell into a light doze...purposely switch e phone to got sound.... woke up at several intervals to see he hasnt called... at 1 plus, damn pissed le....juz straightaway off e phone and go to zzzzzzzzz..........kaoz, make me stay up fer nth seh....ass........:P in e morn still got tuition some more.... %#@*!

turned out he was busy chatting w marc after showering.....liaoz e two of em gaying ard until he forgot he forced me to stay up to tok to him...*bish bish!* yah la, then mi tuition tt time damn tired lor...sianz.....cant really concentrate, after tuition crashed for awhile....ha. yah then for punishment he has to treat me to lunch!!!! hehehe~ :P who ask u to ps me..... :P hmm.......muz choose more ex one *evil grinz* hehehe~

aiee!!!!!! feli bd coming, haven get her bd pres yet!!!!!!!! ah!!!!!!!!!!! tr help!!!!!!! hmm..... yah she yesterdae oso telling me story, damn funny seh, but not for me to divulge heh...sorry folks...ha. k, muz got shopping le.... gonna go bankrupt again sian.... aye zy, think u need to treat me to one wk worth of lunch le hahaha..........

kies,tt all...time to tackle 2nd qn for lit!!!!!!!! chaoz.




last nite...was chatting w tingren when zhiyu called....chat w one crazy person not enough, muz chat w two concurrently...haha.... zy make me do a him, left ear is him, right ear is tr....damn funny lor....e two of them keep trying to sae hello to each other but couldnt hear....haha.....:P then so noisy some more, two of em....laugh until cannot tahan both of em... yah then tr tired, she fell sick again, so she went to sleep....aiyo girl, take care leh, prelims coming le, muz take care of health hor.... yah then cont'd crapping w zy, he giving me wad....er "live" olympic report... basically juz repeating wadeva a newscaster was saying...sianz.... his tv on until so loud i can hear wad e newscaster was saying already, dont need him to tell me! heh.... he muz be deaf le haha.... yah, then mi mum started like patroliing e corridor outside mi rm, keep peeping at me, so i told zy she slp le then ask him to call back....... went back to doing lit....sianz silas marner... argh!!!!!! chose those hard qn.... liaoz.... then got fed-up, check w idayu, turned out others still have yet to tell her which qn they chose, so i changed qn......hehe~ :P juz nice e silas marner guidebk i had addressed e two issues in e essay qn, so can do....:) haha~

then got tired, said nite, msg zy say he can call le...ha....so hot seh...on e aircon, then can close e door, so they cant see me using phone :) haha.... yah then contd crapping w him.....i was like half-stonning le heh cos he spending bulk of time blogging and replying mails, so he cant multi-task, so he typing tt time i keep quiet....spend e time stoning and listening to music haha....finally he finish typing le, tok a bit, then he say want to go shower....diaoz.......then i say can, but i want to go slp.....then he replied if i slp, he'll call and wake mi up..... so i was like "serious ah". then he say "yah, go find sth to entertain urself, count sheeps or sth, give me 10 mins k?" so i like, wadeva lor, then lie there and cont'd stoning....fell into a light doze...purposely switch e phone to got sound.... woke up at several intervals to see he hasnt called... at 1 plus, damn pissed le....juz straightaway off e phone and go to zzzzzzzzz..........kaoz, make me stay up fer nth seh....ass........:P in e morn still got tuition some more.... %#@*!

turned out he was busy chatting w marc after showering.....liaoz e two of em gaying ard until he forgot he forced me to stay up to tok to him...*bish bish!* yah la, then mi tuition tt time damn tired lor...sianz.....cant really concentrate, after tuition crashed for awhile....ha. yah then for punishment he has to treat me to lunch!!!! hehehe~ :P who ask u to ps me..... :P hmm.......muz choose more ex one *evil grinz* hehehe~

aiee!!!!!! feli bd coming, haven get her bd pres yet!!!!!!!! ah!!!!!!!!!!! tr help!!!!!!! hmm..... yah she yesterdae oso telling me story, damn funny seh, but not for me to divulge heh...sorry folks...ha. k, muz got shopping le.... gonna go bankrupt again sian.... aye zy, think u need to treat me to one wk worth of lunch le hahaha..........

kies,tt all...time to tackle 2nd qn for lit!!!!!!!! chaoz.




went to swensens for lunch w layping yesterdae.... first thing the staff said to me was "there's no more promotion for topless five"...oh darn. i was thinking of having tt, except tt me and lp would prob finish like two out of the five scoops only, so wad e hell......haha....... anw, lp was already in dere w some of her classmates, she asked me to ask for a table for two,then she'll come join me....ha.... then e waiter go and bring me all the way to e table and i end up sitting at the table which was beside tt which she and her classmates were at...haha....we all laughing, think e waiter muz be thinking we gone bonkers le...hehe....so qiao....haha... so lp and zhiwei hopped over and joined me! hehe~ me and lp darn hungry....2 pm le....my friends were tempting me w food in sch.....before my extra lessons....lp's friends were tempting her w swensens food while waiting for me! hahaha~ then b4 we order, zhiwei was tempting us w her ice cream....dot her.....haha.....

had e sambal fish main course....darn dun have exec lunch set for oven baked rice....so ordered e main course....lp had fish and chips....while waiting for food to come, lp's classmates played a trick on zw....they go & pour salt into her drink hehe~ they saw me watching, and were like "shh..." ha....then i entertain zw so she wont notice...hee~ she finish her ice-cream le, need to go off to watch movie w em, then she took her drink,all of us watching her...tt blur girl didnt realise y we all staring at her, she happily drinking, took one big gulp, then her face change...hahaha~ all of us all laugh.....poor thing hehe~ she took lp cup and drink haha..... so funny......

let's see, e lunch set was like this: 1st was soup(corn), then our side dish(not incl in e lunch set) came,we had calamari, then our main course came, then our drinks came(mine took like 15 mins to arrive...haha....we were joking abt how they were mixing e drink then and all,tt why so long),then our desserts came(chocolate ice-cream!)...then another drink came...say is mine....i was like, die cant tahan le too full,so told them its not mine, my one came le....hhaha....wasted....heh...could have gotten free drink haha.....

then go jp walk walk...bought stickers!!!!!!!!!! whee!!!!!!!!!!!! gonna give nad, yati and kam one hehe.....juz nice got their fav cols... heh

met feli dere....go all crapping, she want to buy bd pres for kennerd. then bumped into chen and johnson....having water fight in a shop hahaha..... ya...then walk some more until sian then go off...

ya tt all tt happened...todae sian. hehe. wake up, study study study study study... whee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! next tues cant go back to sec sch!!!!! shit!!!!!!!!!!! got extra lessons....sianz....argh...... having consultation w ms lim on thurs....yup yup.....

prelims coming in abt 2 weeks!!!!!!!!!!!! ahh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*stressed*




thought it'll get better todae.... thought tt wadeva shit i was feeling yesterdae would finally go away....but it got worse....i havent felt like this for so many yrs....tt hopeless feeling, darkness falling fast, walls closing in on me....im suffocating ever so slowly....im drowning.......i cant swim anymore....im lost....totally lost....i think i've become delusional....disillusioned...can someone save me????? save this heart of mine??????? save my soul??????? i dont want to travel this path again...it was so hard....so hard....i fought it myself,but i nvr came out of it fully....for a short 2 mths perhaps.....but it was robbed frm me... i was robbed of my saviour....how ironic tt now tt saviour has led me to this shit once more....yet e person who could help me...who i want e most is e one who is e cause and e reason for this.... why? why do u haunt me? curse the very depths of my soul?

i nearly wanted to take my life yesterdae... nearly... i locked myself in my rm...things didnt seem real.... things were blur.... i was dazed...but i controlled... i wanted to tok to him...or maybe juz cry to him..... but he didnt respond...... zy was busy..... so i was alone..... alone..... dark clouds were descending over me so fast....i did wad i could....i listened to avril...there's nth better than to feel her music wash over u...her words echoing wad u feel...imagining i was her on stage w a guitar.... then i grabbed my paper and started folding stars... imagine e papers w needles....and when u get to e final stage, u had to squeeze them so e stars will puff out and show..... star after star i folded, like a maniac....not stopping till i tire....till my fingers hurt.... therapeutic? maybe...i dont know....i feel like throwing myself against the wall.....

i told u before y i thought myself a porcupine...all these yrs....e porcupine depends on its spines for survival....those spines were my shell...my outer layer...come close and u'll feel the sting....they were my protection, my means of survival....for me to protect myself frm the cruelties of humans..... but u....u insisted tt i let them down.....u pull them out one by one.....for awhile, i could survive without them.....cos i had u....u to protect me....u to keep me warm.... but u left....i dont exist in ur world anymore...no longer a person....a memory...a dream.... but i...im left w nth..... im dying here......i've got no means of protecting myself anymore......where are my spines? where did u take them to???????? GIVE THEM BACK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want them back....... they're all i have left.....please......give me back my spines....

its a shithole we live in....i fell deeper into hell today....burn.....burn fire burn.... consume me and burn me alive....free me of this world.....free me of him........




todae tt nadiah made me starve myself till 3.10 b4 i can have lunch..... she was like, u cant eat ah, later go out makan at e malay stall.... so i din eat lor, sit there doing econs, watch wenhui eat roti prata..... ha. then e nadiah go and buy sandwich happily eat.... i juz look at her.... she finish eating le, she wanted to go to her locker and take her pandan cake frm dere and eat some more.... then i was like,er i thought u later want to have lunch? then she was like, oh ya hor.... dun worry la, i'll still be hungry.... i raised my eyebrows and look at her.... u sure? dun make mi starve for nth ah.... then she (tears open packet) was like, oh ya hor. *looks at food* oh no! ah will eat w u later la, still have some space one. this one very small cake only..... ha.... dear dear....tt dear girl ah.... say one thing go do another...dot dot dot. -_-" ya then after econs we went to this new malay stall to eat w sharifah.... makan nasi ayam...nice nice.... want to try e mee soto dere next time, ifah say its very nice... shd bring idayu dere next time... MEE SOTO FREAKS!!!!!!!!! hahaha~ tmr going swensens w lay ping(if she dun ps me again).... ha. yay!

liaoz, wait for bus, can get heart attack seh..... purposely left at 5.50 like tt to catch e 6 pm bus...reach dere, e stupid bus stop rite in front of me, drop two passengers and drive off... diaoz.... stupid so full. was contemplating whether or not want to cross over and take bus to jp then take either 174 there or take train home...(where is hwee bee!!!!!!!!!)....decided to stay put.... saw hwee bee yay!!! she see me, she was like, oh shit! bad omen... history is gonna repeat itself again... true enough, second bus come, couldnt even board...fuller than e previous one... then we decided to cross over and go jp take ...shit la. juz boarded e bus, saw another 174 come, me and christina on e bus le, hb still at bus stop dere shouting, 174 leh! 174 leh! want to go catch or not??!!!! and e bus driver nearly drove off w/o her cos of tt... lucky she jumped on juz in time... then e bus drove past tt 174....shit la!!!!!!! so empty seh..... idiot..... #@*%!!!! bei suai..... so suay....haiz. hist does repeat itself. in e end we took train home....

i think i need someone to bash me up.... beat me real hard...so i can wake up.... was thinking in e bus ride home..... im still stuck where i was....i dont feel like i have moved on at all....y is it so hard to let go? his face plasters itself in my mind all e time....like a leech....i need to beat myself seriously hard.... maybe go bang the wall a hundred times..... find sth to punch.... maybe shd pay someone to slap me.... beat me... go out, provoke a gang so tt they will bash me up.... real hard.... beat me senseless.... better still, beat me till i die....then i will be free....after all....there's nth left..... he's got someone to entertain him...dont need me anymore....dont care abt me anymore....dont bother abt me anymore.... my friends...all tired of this "frozen" spot tt i am in.... all given up on me...i shd juz give up on myself.... wont be getting anywhere like this anw... dismal results.... my heart is juz not in it.... try so hard....so darn hard....but i dont reap anything......fuck la. im screwed..... i shd juz leave...... someone beat me up real hard..... i seriously need a thrashing..... at least it'll take away this inner one i feel.....i shd provoke somebody......

*sick and tired of being here*

the razor blade glimmers in e dark
tempting me, enticing me
its sharpness sends shivers down my spine
frozen,i watch its beauty

the window pane beckons me
hypnotized, i move
under the shimmering pale light
the blade twists in my hand

hot red spurts forth from me
like a fountain in its fullness
this is the last time i'll be home
the faint beating of the heart

thud..thud.....thud.




its amazing how the green eyed monster can consume u and tear ur soul to pieces.... i nvr knew the true extent of tt feeling till now. i saw his fran in sch todae... she came for open house...amazing how one look and u know who tt person is....... i dont know y i feel this way, i could juz be drawing castles(really dark and gloomy ones w a thunderstorm overhead) in the air.......making sth out of nth...... but my gut has been kinda accurate.....so.............. sigh.

but she's good-looking...... yah outgoing......... cute.......... ha this i look at her i know, frm her actions and all......... so can u blame someone for liking her? no. she's done nth wrong. after all, zy,des and all so close to her........ there muz be sth abt her tt makes her so attractive. compared to her, who am i? its like comparing a duck to a swan. zy asked me if wanted to get to know her, i think he thinks it'll be a gd idea...... but.. while part of me is curious, and wants to, e other doesnt want to. i dont wish to end up hating her, cos she has things tt i dont, qualities tt make her so much more better then me........ ya, i know, y care rite. hate then hate lor, its so much more easier to blame and hate someone else... but she hasnt done anything to me....... nth at all. so i dont wish to hate someone when they havent done anything to harm me.... but yet........ this green eyed monster in me threatens to do juz tt.

wish i could be blind.....so i wont need to see..... y did he get over me so fast? y isnt it e other way round? i think im seriously in need of a gd eye-washing session or sth.............. i dont know. some ppl get into another r'lship or starts getting obsessed w another to forget this pain...... its so much more easier...... but then, it wont work. i dont want to bring e same pain to someone else when i hate wat im gg through now. its not fair to tt person. so i'll stay alone. at e end of e day, u're always alone. i try to keep e smile on my face, it gets so tiring, i wish i could break......... who am i to think im worthy of him? no..its too much to ask..... its beyond my reach....wad e hell, i got him into tt accident w tt bloody car...wish it was me instead..... i dream tt we'd get back tog again, sometimes it feels so real i believe it, then reality would sink in, like todae, and it all vaporates, so all tt's left is this same pain, confusion etc......... nth. nothingness. numbness. maybe one day i'll reach tt stage. maybe i shd enter a nunnery. after all, God cant hurt u....its only humans tt can. worse still, if they're e ones closest to ur heart.

im falling away............

confusion - me

confusion washes over me
wave upon wave, i stay here helpless
you bind me to this very rock
with your words, cold, harsh, loving and kind

you wanted to stay near
but cruelly, you pull away
why does two people so dear
hurt each other with the cruelties of fate?

yet you remain insecure
you insecurities blinding you to see
if only i could cast myself
into the sea, and never feel again

*my heart,u shall nvr see now*





Jia Wei lost the bronze medal in table tennis todae....almost couldnt bare to watch e game....so scary...... but still, she did a great job, keep it up! maybe during the next olympics, singapore will finally get a medal..... :) plus, ronald and xueling not bad too..... sg definately got chance.

ha...i realized this post is the exact opp of my friend's one.... whilst he doesnt salute foreign talents, i think that they deserve much more than wat singaporeans have been giving them these few years. so wat if they came frm a different soil? our ancestors all came from various parts of the world, but was there anyone who denied them a chance to be singaporean? no. its sad that we've become so steeped in the notion that to be truly singaporean, u must be born and raised here. i was born in singapore, but i'm a malaysian. i was raised here, but im a malaysian. does that makes me any less malaysian? whether u're singaporean, malaysian, chinese, taiwanese, australian, american.... they're just words which dont mean anything if u'r heart isnt in it. wad i admire most abt ppl like jia wei is that they actually gave up their lives back home, uprooted and came to singapore, leaving behind family, friends, and the life back there to a completely new one where they r mainly alone and in a totally diff environment. yet they adapt, and not only tt, they must have felt sth which connects them to this lil island to want to be singaporean. it must not have been easy. for me, i've got my family here, i've got my friends here, yet when i go back to malaysia, i feel so wierd and out-of-place amongst my cousins. like an outsider. they bond and click together, they r so close they're like brothers and sisters, but i feel like only the friend to them.... it gets so bad sometimes that i'd wish i was brought up there, so that i can click w em... i see my own friends getting along so well w their cousins, and i look at me. i envy them.... only recently, since they all started using msn often, do we chat, and we begin to open up to each other more..... for the most part of my 18 yrs of life, i have nvr felt as close to them as i do now...... if i feel like this, w my relatives juz living across the crossway, then how does jia wei feel? so much more worse.... esp since she lived w them, clicked w them when she was a child....and giving all tt up for sg..... how many of us, juz going overseas to study, miss our family and friends and wadeva back home? juz 3 years and we moan, groan and cry...... compared to e foreign talents, wat we feel muz be but a minor reflection of wad they feel..... yet instead of opening up our arms to welcome them and give them our support, we criticize them, doubt them and push them away, bcos they r not 'singaporean'.

isnt it an irony then, tt i know of so many singaporeans who will not hesitate to criticize their own country, to say so many bad things abt their homeland, who do not feel singaporean, or rather, do not want to be singaporean, who feel nth during national day other than joy tt its a public holiday, the national anthem and the pledge means nth to em? i remb standing up for sg when they criticized their own ctry, and i was a malaysian then. ironic. so, why do we treat others who r willing to give up their own nationality and embrace singapore as home, where they feel connected to this island, where they feel proud singing the anthem, reciting the pledge, carrying our flag and wearing our colours? why should we doubt them, on what grounds and what right have we? bcos for some of e ppl, we know that they r actually more singaporean than another singaporean? aren't they then, the true singaporean? why deny them this?

given, nth feels better than having singapore-born, bred and raised singaporeans making it big in the international arena and gaining recognition for our home. definately, tt is wad all strive for. but until tt day comes, we have foreign talents tt are willing to give their all for this ctry. it isnt juz the fame, money and recognition tt comes w it, if they really wanted these only, they could have chosen any other country in the world, why singapore, a country reportedly thought to not be able to compete in the international sporting arena? sth in them muz have felt tt yes, singapore deserves to be recognised for sports, yes we can do it, and they r actually opening up the doorway for future singaporeans. let us embrace them then, for their courage, their sportsmanship, their loyalty, let us give them our support and let us work hand-in-hand w them, to bring singapore to greater heights.

to these talents, i salute you!




ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!someone stole my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!aieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!stupid zhiyu!!! give it back to mi!!!!!!!!!!! argh............ kk, some idiot wanna steal mi brain too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

yupz, as u can see, i've seriously lost my mind. hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (its e soya beans....... jumping jumping jumping!!!!!!!!)




lit marathon todae!!!!!!!!! one of e best ones we had hehe~ perhaps due to e fact tt we had our three lit teachers taking turns to lecture us, and bcos all three (plus ms yap and mrs razal!!!!) were there, they cracked jokes, poked fun at each other and all, making the atmosphere more casual, lighter, laid-back and funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe~ one of e rare occasions i actually enjoyed a 4 hr lecture! haha~ mr dore is so mr dorish...heh.... mr chow is still chowish and ms latimer was in such a gd mood todae thanks to the presence of e two of em....she kept smiling and laughing and joined in the joke-craking session and all....haha~ if only our lessons were always like this.......... but i dread to imagine what it'll be like to have all three teachers mad and red-faced and glaring down at u *shudders* ha....one incident, ms latimer was telling us how so many students mistook the poet Fleur Adcock for a male, when actually the poet's a female. e mistake is basically cos many mistook fleur to be a guy's name. then paul chow interrupted her and said we cant be blamed, cos of the surname, ADCOCK (read: add cock).... diaoz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we were like "MR CHOW!!!!" hhahahaha~ another instance, mr chow pronounced conjure wrongly, and tim dore, who absolutely cannot stand wrong pronounciations, corrected him. then mr chow was like, conjure(correct), conjure(correct), conjure(wrong)! to which mr dore became exasperated w him and was looking red in e face and all of us juz kept laughing at e two of em, one red-faced and the other looking quite afraid hahaha!!!!!!!!! in e end, paul chow was like, that word tt word...or tt word which starts w con....hahaha.... plus there were refreshments for us!!!!!!!!!! they actually catered food for us and all!!!!!!! wow!!!!!!!!! i remb gg to make milo tt time, was w idayu, we saw sadiq making coffee, he was forced to make for lat, then he saw us, he held up his plastic spoon, which was like bent, and had this sad and pitiful look on his face tt made me and idayu laughed...haha! stupid boy....plastic spoon where can be used in hot, boiling water...will melt one lorhz... haha. wonder who ended up w tt cup of coffee....him or lat....hmm............ ya then i was stuck dere at the water cooler helping you wei open his milo satchet, tt guy ah, milo satchet also dunno how to open. ended up making milo for him, lest he ends up another sadiq. diaoz. shd ask for a price for tt. haha. yah....some funny things tt happened. oh, poor apple kept getting suaned by paul chow. heh.

oh then went to mac for lunch w wenhui...hehe. seat there and crapped hahaha. argh...ate so much chili :P mum knows she'll kill me!!!!!!!!!! hehe~

on e way home, saw my friends....they had an argument. saw e girl first, she boarded e bus w me... when i saw her i knew sth was wrong, she looked like she was abt to cry, then e next bus stop, her bf and his friends boarded e bus, then i asked e bf y nvr go and tok to her, he was like very silent and kept looking away, then i knew.... so sad.... i've always thought they were a cute couple, looked so '70s together(those who know who im talking abt,pls keep it to urself). so sad.... they always like so gum w each other, very cute and funny couple....was e first time i saw e guy so serious too.... then e girl.... i wanted to go up to her and hug her or sth, except tt i knew tt she wouldnt want it, since im not a close friend or anything, plus its in a bus full of ppl and her bf was there....if it was me i wouldnt want it to...... and i din ask e guy to tok to her or anything cos i figured tt she prob wanted to be left alone, i knew tt was how i felt when he broke up w me and juz kept like trying to comfort me...instead of making u feel better, u end up feeling worse. ya. so i juz stood there quietly..... sigh.... hope they will patch up soon.......... they've been tog for so long.....

haiz...... if love brings so much hurt and pain, then why do we still need love? and yet its e most basic need of any living thing...... humans need it, we cant live w/o it, even e most independent person needs it, whether its frm family, friends or a companion, a lifelong partner. in this light, animals r not so diff frm us at all, they all need love one way or another.... and plants cant live w/o it too..... nature needs to feel it...whether its frm us or the animals...if we dont love or respect nature, all the trees and plants and micro-organisms would be dead... they cant survive w/o it..... and this is what is so beautiful and what sucks abt it.... e fact tt end e end of it all, u feel love and sadness, in some cases, love, hatred, anger and sadness......... if only we didnt need it, but we all do........... i could go on and on and on abt this, was tempted to throw it those examples frm literature texts like martha cochrane and louisa and all.....haha. muz be too much of e lit lec..... oh well.......... i'll spare u guys e torture......

argh..... cant watch stepford wives on mon......... have lit lec by lat..wow, tongue twister hehe~ hmm..... hopefully can watch on fri *fingers and toes crossed* might have crossed my eyes as well except i'll look like one big idiot. hehe~ argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! econs test on wed... essay qns on all topics........ argh argh argh........ die die die........... not prepared yet......... jasmine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stop giving mi stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i see her timetable i want to cry le................. haiz........ kk, enuff crapping, gotta mug. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




todae, had marathon lessons....lit and hist.....so tired...... haiz....... tmr got lit ws....start at 8.15 to 12.30......supposedly.....but mi teacher said tt e rm is booked until 2 so can go all e way till then..... argh!!!!!!!!

sigh...... i cant help feeling very guilty....... very guilty about everything tt has happened to him so far..... he has every reason to hate me..... i've messed up his life, leave his dream hanging on a thread all becos of tt stupid phone conversation tt ended up w tt accident........ bcos of me, he's like this........... i cant even help him nor give him comfort anymore..... its like he's shut himself away frm me....not tt i can blame him....who would want a jinx like me ard? a jinx i am....... bcos of me so many things have happened....... i shd shut myself away frm this world......... then ppl wont need to suffer bcos of me.......

if i could turn back time.........i wish he had not met me at all............ or if he did, didnt get to know me so well................. tt we didnt grow so close............... i wouldnt have changed seats in tt plane to sit beside feli, then i wouldnt have gotten to know him.........tt was e start of everything............. if all these hadnt happened, he wouldnt be who he is rite now, he'd still be who he had always been..... his parents, relatives and friends wouldnt need to watch him slip away into the person he is now......... full of sadness and hopelessness and insecurities w only soccer to forget it all away............... if i didnt exist, it wouldnt have happened.............. its all becos of me............. and becos of me, the dream he held so dear is now hung on a thin thread................i remb he used to tell mi of the future he hoped for...... it seemed so far away now................... all becos of me............. me............ im a jinx.............. i shdnt bother him anymore, lest he gets hurt again bcos of me.................... he deserves someone else..........

he has every reason to hate me...... to hate me so much......... but i love him.......... why did it turn out this way? why do i hurt e ppl i care and love the most all the time? why am i so useless? why?




hmm....todae normal sch dae.....haha....... like duh...heh. sch work pile up, extra lessons more and more....blah blah..... haha. oh well....can u imagine it? ha.... have to get used to it......

lets see...... todae i forgot to bring my hist my notes...e one i spent 3 whole hrs researching and printing out last nite for todae's presentation....sian...... in e car den suddenly realised i forgotten to bring it...... argh..... heart attack seh.... all mi hardwork gone....sian sian....

reached sch, mi dad msg mi to sae he found mi paper..... then told mi tt since he had to go send e car to e ws first, he'll bring to sch and pass to mi.... whee!!! haha~ thank god..... was halfway through mi gp tutorial when mi dad msg mi and told mi he reached le.... ran all w way down to e carpark and got e paper frm him....whew.... lucky.....heh. argh im like losing my memory le.... darn......

then when it came to hist tut....guess wad? i realised i did on e wrong rev..... was supposed to do on the terror on french rev, did the terror in russian rev.... shit man.... so mi research has been rendered useless for todae.... argh...... sian diaoz..... but then mi teacher din had time to finish all e grps one todae.... so tmr having extra lessons, mi grp first to present tmr....now have to research on the RIGHT revolution.....

ya..... sian sian..... oh well, at least when doing russian rev mi no need to research on tt le...ha. tmr have hist and lit extra lessons.... zzzzzz.....tired.... gonna watch stepford wives w nadiah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and maybe yati and qam..... hehe~ maybe next mon....hehe~ cant wait! hahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

tr was complaining to me todae tt he very dao....i told her he's not in e best of moods....but she didnt understand.... sometimes when one is in a bad mood u juz dun wan to tok to anyone....im like tt..... but i guess not many can understand tt ba.... hope he will feel better soon.... wish i could help him but i dont think there's any way tt i can...... anw, y would he need my help? sigh.....

guess he oso dun wan to watch tt movie le....wan to watch oso not watch w me..... not tt i didnt expect it..... basically dont want to get my hopes up anymore.... oh well... doesnt matter....can save money.....

yupz, betta get back to mi hist! chaoz....




todae he's very sad.....upset abt his checkup....he din want to tell mi abt it but i could guess frm his msg wad happened..... haiz.... maybe tt y he looked for me yesterdae ba..... shant rant and rave now, dont feel like it.....anw hope he gets over it and cheer up and focus on a's.....

lat din come todae...pat lim took over....lesson was more slow-paced, but easier to absorb wad she's saying, unlike e fast-paced lessons of lat..... yah. todae's lesson was ok....did the victory and morning song....on birth...... it reminds mi of my tutor's baby son and tt show my mum alwayz watch.....newborn babies r so cute and tiny and fragile tt u juz wanna cuddle them when u see em but yet u dont even dare to touch them for fear u'll hurt them...... tt's when u realise how fragile life could be....yet every new life tt is born in this world brings so much joy to e surrounding ppl....its a wonder how one could look at a newborn and be filled w detest and hatred for him/her...... and u know....everytime i see this baby, i cant wait to be able to experience tt joy of cuddling one of my own...then i realise im so glad i nvr give in to those temptations of taking my own life....to be able to give life to another is such a wonderful thing..... i hope tt everytime i feel damn depressed, i'll be reminded of the cute lil newborns, then life aint tt bad anymore... nth is impossible, it only is if u urself think it is.....

rite....i also came to this conclusion, it an old saying many have heard b4. "if u love someone, let him go, if he comes back to u, u know he's yours." or sth like tt. ya well....so im gonna do juz tt.....wad happens, i dont know...maybe he'll come back, maybe he wont. maybe he'll find someone else, maybe i'll nvr get over him, maybe i will....maybe i'll find someone better......maybe. ironic how all our lives r centred ard maybes and wat ifs and possibilities. but well...tt's e unseeble future...... so....ya....im gonna go...he's gonna go....we have seperate lives to lead......but i know tt i will not forget him, nor will i stop caring for him...... i dont hate him..... hu knows wad will happen after a's? for all i know, i might realise my dream and go overseas for education, then it's a new life again...meet new ppl, new friends, maybe someone new.....for tt future....i live....for tt future...i work.....for tt future.....im alive...... for wadeva future tt awaits us....we shall strive for it....work towards it...... ppl, let's work tog and overcome e nearest hurdle in front of us....the a levels....hope tt everyone will support one another and push each other during this period of intense stress and difficulty.....

lastly, i know tt my posts may not all sound happy..... in fact, the past few days it has been rather dreary....and depressing....sorry for tt....but everyone has their moments....i shant promise it wont be happier, i shant promise there will be no more of such posts. the bottomline is, this is my blog, i do wad i want w it, i write wad i want in it, cos i've got no other place to write other then here. so if u cant take it, or are not happy w it, u can take urself somewhere else cos im not begging u to read this. im not changing for u, and i nvr will. suit ur ownself. im me, and this is how it's gonna be.

i guess tt's all for now....big qn mark over me and him....torned over the two options avail. to me....either way, i'll feel either hurt or immensely guilty... but we'll see how it goes....i know tt now, im not gg to look for him. if he looks for me, then maybe i'll entertain him, but i dare not hope for more..... again, i wanna thank zhiyu....sorry give u so much headache........ thanks and take care k.... ppl, big flu bug gg ard, do take care of urselves ya! drink more water, eat more fruits and vegetables,and get enough rest!!!!!!!! or if u listen to zhiyu's advice, its eat more salty bananas and sour hotdogs....yah. haha. well....tt's all fer now, chaoz!




yay! finally can come in...haha. lazy to copy over e other posts eh...sowie...

erm...let's see... oh ya... he din come sch todae...fell sick. ha...so many ppl falling ill.... anywayz, he sent mi a msg which according to him is supposed to make me feel better, but i felt worse instead. sometimes i wonder, what is it tt i have done tt he treats me this way? have i somehow or other offended him in our past life such tt im repaying for it now? or perhaps he does blame me for e car accident after all..... because of me, his dreams are hanging on a thread, a huge qn mark, his confidence broken, everything..... he doesnt know where he's going, he's insecure, he qns his capabilities..... after all tt, he somehow has started to dislike me, hate me.... maybe tt's y he treats me this way, playing me, treating me like a fool, saying one thing but meaning another....empty words and empty promises....and i swallowed them all in. mr chow said one thing in lesson todae tt has been stuck in my mind, he said tt when love becomes corrupt, the person who loves you the most will hate u the most, and that is the most painful thing that can happen to you. i guess i know why. come to think abt it, maybe when he said he didnt want to hurt me anymore, he meant it e other way..... after all, he's hurt me more than he could have before..... even now..... does he hate me so much that he just has to spite me? does my downfall bring him much joy? does he gloat over my present state of mind? or laugh at my current predicament? is he satisfied? i dont know wat he thinks anymore...all these while, i thought i knew him, but now i realize, maybe i dont anymore. or maybe i've gone crazy and am deluding myself in all these....which is truth? which is a lie? can i trust him anymore? can i trust anyone anymore?

what have i done? why do i have to make the person i love and care about most hate me so much? what is wrong with me?

one thing is real.....i tried to make him happy....but i guess he ended up hating me instead..... now tt i dont have tt, i can make my friends happy. yesterday, it felt so satisfying to see nisa so happy when i gave her her bd pres..... a white musk perfume, white musk body lotion and body foam.... turns out its her most fav prodt from body shop....she was so happy she kept hugging me and she gave me a postcard todae...thanks babe..... making my friends happy is all i have left. tmr is kalpu's bd....im going to surprise her......

and im out to prove myself to my family,relatives and my family's friends....im determined to do well for my a's to prove them wrong....to prove to them that im not stupid and tt i can do well in life..... i might have failed in my love life but im not going to fail in other aspects of it...... i have to show them im human, im alive, im strong and i will make it..... tt's all tt's left for me to do.

gp test tmr.... sian. oh well....a's is coming. focus..... tt's all tt matters.




sorry havent been on the past few days, been busy w school.... haven't been a gd week so far.... let me backtrack...

wed(11th august):
sch reopened todae. went to sch feeling damn tired, coz woke up super early, dad had to go airport. so yah, reached sch 6 plus, like one ghost town seh. went to class, nobody, juz plopped down and fell aslp. ha. woken up by yvonne. then lay ping msg, say she at class le. went down to look for her...showed her the band i did for marc... argh... not very happy w it. not straight one...sian. suckz.....

then had lessons..... and lessons.... oh ya, during civics period, had this talk by ntu ppl, after tt went to ask qns. turns out they'll be offering english, psychology etc as majors next yr. yay! finally, arts students have hope! all dun need to fight tooth and nail w each other and other science students for places in nus next yr.

then after sch, went jp to makan w lp...ate at kfc ha... then jalan jalan abit... went back to sch after tt to study w nadiah, wenhui, sharifah,zarifah and diyana. yah. study until sian, chat w mik fer awhile... he keep telling mi his bd tmr... ha... :P din hear tt! yah then marc toked to me.... sae bought keane cd.... asked mi if wan to borrow....anithing lorhz...gave him the pen, sorry not so nice...but first one i did la.... hope it brings u luck....but now i dunno if he'll even treasure it. maybe he'll juz throw it away. y am i still doing such things for him? why? why do i even care?

yah, then study abit more, went home. got scolding by mum. went to mug. tt all.

thurs(12th august)

went to sch w headache still....argh. shit man..... this is bad. todae, can go out for dinner. yay!

study session as usual, todae during gp, mdm lee ask us to do summary and aq on the vj paper...on consumerism..... sianz. so hard seh....can kill u. serious. all of us had a hard time w it...shit la. sianz sianz sianz....cody,gary and jasmine actually fell aslp doing it. haha. mi, chee chang and james discussed abit, ha. thankz chang fer being mi dictionary. hehe. yah. din finish aq, heh. dun care, bring home and do. :P so sian.

after sch, studied w wenhui, nadiah, kamariah and yati... yah. waiting for zhiyu. he finish sch le, scared mi in the canteen. idiot. told mi want to go makan tt time call him. yah. studied econs, production and cost. borrowed the notes frm a j1, liaoz the notes bloody thick la, thicker then ours. ha. read already damn groggy. haha. shows how well i actually know my work. so sian, study until nth can go in le, went walk walk w nadiah. yah. then went back, study some more. then go out fer dinner w zhiyu. ask marc want to come or not, he say not confirmed. then ask him to confirm, he nvr sae anithing. so i thought he not joining us le, decided to go westmall lorhz.

ha, bus trip dere, zhiyu kept crapping. he crazy one lah, this few days so crappy. hao leng worh..... think i froze dere le...:P if have lamers contest, u shd join man. think u'll freeze everyone inside dere.

went to foodcourt to makan, abt to start eating, marc called zy. sae he coming over... so i ate slowly....slow until my food gone cold le. ha. then my mum called, started scolding.haiz. keep getting scolding nowadays. she scold halfway my hp died. shit lor. had to hurry through my meal, tt mk haven reach yet. i was thinking it's impossible lor, 8.30 le still haven reach. zhiyu called him, his phone dead....sigh. we were like damn worried lor, thought sth happen to him. walked ard westmall looking for him...cant find him, no way to contact him either. so we left. i ask zy go to 174 bus stop tt route dere, might run into him, dun need to send mi to 77 dere le. so ya. then i missed my bus, sianz. on my hp, recieved msg frm mum asking mi to buy dinner for her. so went to kopitiam, missed another bus. ha. bought ban mian fer her. went back to interchange and stone, then was getting really really worried abt mk....msg silvest and cl asking if he was w them and all. abt to ask tr to help mi check if he's at home when he called. told him i still in interchange, then my hp died. he came over, toked to him for awhile, then he left....he was damn angry.... kept apologising. but he brushed me off.....then juz walked away. so i had no choice but to go back to e 77 bus dere.....cant chase him coz had to hurry home. reached e bus there only to realise i juz missed another bus....at tt time i was already damn upset la. upset tt he angry at me, mum angry at me, and e stupid buses kept driving away juz when i reached there...sian.

reached home, showered. got lecturing frm mum. juz kept quiet, no energy le.... then called marc....although he say he's not angry anymore, but i dont believe him. he still sounded unhappy..... shortly after, he sae wan go back online, so i hung up.... called zy....toked abit, update him on wad happened, then he tried to cheer mi up la...thankz. after tt called tr. chatted awhile, she and her alien ar....haiz.
then hung up...went to slp.....

fri(todae)

friday the thriteen...how true. sure is a bad day today.

early morn, kena lecturing frm mum, AGAIN. dunno wad's gotten into her. she juz came home, juz had another lecture by her juz now. im so sick and tired of it.

went sch, had hist tut....crapped w tiffy and kamsya. yah..... then had econs tut. sian. sian. sian. this time i brought my own notes, ha, she ask qn i can ans. yay! heh.

after sch, met lp and zhiwei in concourse. zw crazy le....got no money, still want to go town, wanted to drag me there as well...hha. but i had to wait for yuhua to pass her back the notes first, in the meantime settled some locker stuff. FINALLY, ITS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jump up and down...hahaha. yah. so lp and zw left first.... mi help johnson w gp....ha. remind mi of uwa tt time....heh. ya..... then he left for lesson, i sat dere reading econs notes, mkt structure. then yuhua finally came, returned her the notes, then went to jp to meet lp and zw. zw change mind, wanted to stay in jp instead...ha. she too lazy le. haha. on the way there, chatted w lin ping....(tt how u spell???haha) yah.... then went to look for them. found them in delifrance, ate dere. haha. mi and lp have been eating at delifrance quite alot huh? had the potato gratin set... bankrupt le...ha. was ok, but i still prefer the baked rice. next tues, mi and lp have date at swensons!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!! oven baked rice, here i come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha.....zw dunno whether joining us or not....depends on jiexin. heh. then tr came and join us..... yah then i sat dere and stare at her eat.heh. she eat until damn slow lor, thnz to her tooth.

oh ya...i forgot.....at delifrance, marc called....he din sound tt happy.....then he ask mi if i still in jp, then ask if i gg back to sch...mi accompanying lp and zw lor....so told him i dun think so....then he like angry or sth, hang up....sian.... 2nd time make him angry le.... haiz. am i an idiot or am i an idiot? felt so sad after tt....but still plaster one smile dere.....after all no pt in spoling everybody's gd mood.....

then walked ard jp, zw wanted to buy clothes. tr left to meet her pj fran in lot 1. yah. we walk ard jp walk until sian le lar.... damn tired....bag darn heavy... ha bumped in cl and gerald at er...world of sports. yah. ha.

now im at home..... i think i've totally lost him le.... he's been rather unhappy w me e past few days..... its my fault.... i dont blame him if he gives up on me le.... besides, he's got someone new to chat w him and all le....zy told mi e girl's character like mine....was curious, went to read her blog, realised her k'ter not only like mine, but also she's gg through a diff time getting over her ex....juz like mi. both having the same sentiments, even wad we type also almost similar....freaky huh? ha.... maybe she's my long lost twin...hahaha. anw, im happy tt she's got mk to tok to...help her through...and happy tt he got someone else to crap w and confide in.....i guess he doesnt need me anymore....am i jealous? i guess i am....it shows i haven gotten over him yet....been trying, but kept failing.... now even when i look at him, i feel so sad.....there'll be a sharp pain in my heart..... i guess i don't really matter to him anymore....i've juz been a sidetrack....yah. well.... i hope tt, if he does end up liking e girl, and they do get together, i hope he'll nvr hurt her, and i hope tt she'll be able to get sth i nvr had......

as for me, im left to wonder these empty spaces alone. zhiyu getting kinda fedup w me le.... tr....well, she's more preoccupied w alien nowadays, cant blame her....... juz want to thank them both for being so patient w me.... wat an irony. in feb, johnson, zy, tr were all checking up on me, comforting me, making sure i dun do anything stupid, telling mi tt he will be alright....then it was a happy period, albeit shortlived, when he got better and things went on frm dere...... now, the 3 of em r comforting me, checking on me again, making sure i dont lose my mind and all, cos he's left me alone..... thanks to them and all those other ppl who have helped me keep my sanity in check....life goes on, as long as im occupied, i wont think abt him...... i shall not think abt him.....i dont want to think abt him anymore....its funny how he wanted to break so as not to hurt me anymore, but he's hurting me so much more now..... i guess i juz have to let him go now.... i've lost every possibility dere could be of us going back to before already..... i juz have to say goodbye now.... i hope u'll do well in life, and find ur true happiness soon. i pray tt u will be alright and recover, and tt god will look after u. i hope u'll find someone else to replace me. goodbye.....and thanks for everything. im sorry i hurt u, im sorry i made u angry, i hope u will have a better life now. i juz hope tt u will forgive mi for all the pain i put u through.

this sure is one long post...now im a quirkyalone again...maybe i'll remain one forever... i dont know.... i guess this is the end..... nth else left but to mug for a's...well... tt's all.... bye everyone.






happy birthday singapore! once again, it's singapore's national day!!!

todae, at home, studying. haiz. so sian. sian sian sian. sianess is bad.... cos it means tt he will occupy my thoughts. true enough, i nearly went mad. darn... i shd go get myself a concussion, serious enough so i can forget abt him. after all, he doesnt seem to remb my existence anymore....a new life for him, i dont matter. oh well. wad to do... he's e same as everyone else hu have threw me one side when they dun need me anymore... i've been blind. again. a fool. so blind.

thanks zhiyu and tingren for talking and listening to me... and crapping. thanks alot. zhiyu.... dun think so badly of yourself, u've helped more ppl and have left an impact on our lives. i think u're e pillar of support for most of us. think better of yourself ba. plus, human behaviour is not such an easy thing to understand, we're all complex ppl. if it was so easy to understand, so many of us wont be having some human relationship probs rite now. tingren....u like mi la. we shd go wash eye together one day. both of em oso jerks. dun blame urself,k?

din get to watch fireworks ytd.... sigh. they decided not to go...sob sob. and i was looking forward to it. oh well. my feelings nvr really mattered to em anyway.

skipping lunch todae...somehow i juz dun have the appetite to eat. haiz. can u believe it? i actually wrote a poem on abortion. ha. muz be too much of analysing lit. sian.

i miss assumptionites!!!!!!!!!!!!! miss miss miss them so much.... i wish i could meet up w em.... then at least it'll take my mind off him.... sigh. oh well... have mi swenson's lunch date w lay ping to look forward to... ha. thinking of asking steven and jun hong along. :D

k, tt all fer now. chaoz.

Imagine - me

imagine a woman
with lips soft and full
her voice sweet and melodious
as she sings me to sleep

imagine a woman
with hands smooth yet rough
stroking and patting me
as she cradles me while i sleep

imagine a family
full of warmth, love and laughter
oh! how i long to be a part
i cant wait to be out

imagine how your life could be
if i were allowed to be in it
alas! such things will not be
my mum she killed me
before i could see




hmm.... yesterdae went to imm fer lunch w justin, aunty connie, mario, mum, dad, kai ying and her husband.... haha.... ate at yunnan garden, then go walk walk ard imm... yah. came home, did some work, slack, then went to westmall's sakae sushi fer dinner. after tt came home and did some more work. tt sums up yesterdae. boring huh?

oh... i think i pissed him off yesterdae too... sorta "told" him straight tt if he's gonna give up on his a's, e rest of us might as well juz give up on him as well... it wont make a diff... after all, wat's e use of the rest of us supporting him when he's decided to come back another yr? juz generates more disappointment in us. i dont care if he's angry w me for this, or if he even hates me after tt, doesnt want to cont'd being friends and what not, i have no regrets for doing what i did. i did it on purpose, i know what e consequences could be. i'd rather do tt then sit here and watch him waste it all away. i'd rather lose a friend if it's gonna make him sit up and pay attn and give his best for this last few months then watch him flounder and waste another yr... or see him regretting. since writing tt letter to him using this nice tone hasnt made any impact on him, might as well use the cold and harsh one. im not sorry for tt. u decide how you're gonna deal w it.

todae...woke up....had breakfast... then went to ps...mi mum insisted tt we went there to get our hair cut at qb... dun understand her... jp oso have wad.... mi, joe and justin all had our hair cut. mine's like darn short now, even the hairdresser was asking mi if i seriously wanted to chop off 2 inches of my hair...wad to do... my mum wants it, so make her happy lor. now my hair's shoulder length. ha... can hardly tie it up into a ponytail. sian.

then went to killiney kopitiam to have lunch... had kaya bread... justin liked it. sth diff eh? haha... glad he enjoyed the lunch.

tonight... gonna bring them to esplanade to watch the fireworks... lotsa ppl gonna be dere... then gonna come home to watch e man u match... against arsenal. ha. its gonna be so crowded in mi house. at first i thought it was last nite, they all told mi it was last nite.... turns out we got the date wrong. ha. oh well.

finally gonna have mi rm to miself again tonight! whee!!!! haha.... if justin they all gonna go johore todae, mi bro can move back to his rm. if not, mi bro will be sleeping in the living rm w justin, like camping like tt. haha. since he aint got sch tmr, might as well. haha. no more early morning wake-up call by mi bro. whee!

tmr, gonna visit loosie. she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. congrats! :) happy fer her. cant wait to see her son :D.

alrighty, gonna go study. chaoz.




this entry is copied frm my diaryland one.... finally managed to get in here through a darn complicated method. ha.

hmm....sth wrong wib blogger....cant sign in, so im using this fer todae's entry...hehe....

well....went to sch fer ndp celebration.... so sian.... maybe cos not ra ra ..... at least if with council mates, the crowd not ra-ra we ra-ra still fun.....but now.....juz felt so sian....ppl ard me not enthu, in the end juz gave up.... ha. sian...stand down dere and stone.

then after e song and speeches and all...go grandstand to watch soccer.... jj vs civil defence(fire hydrant squad)....watch until burning hot...stupid sun trying to toast us.... so me and feli went down to watch... haha.... half-time we shifted to pe porch dere.... then second half jj scored.... 1-0....yup yup.... not bad. ha.

after tt....we all mass pon latimer's lesson.... cos she oso nvr tell us anything... nvr sae time and venue, msg her oso dun wan to reply... so we all fedup.... pon.... ha. went to ps to meet jamie.... hee.... long time nvr see her le...so happi :)... bought tix to f 9/11.... then went to e food court fer lunch... had ban mian! yummy.... :D.... then walked ard.... then at 12.30 went to watch da movie... whee!!!! haha.... the movie quite nice.... very controversial... the key is to approach it w an open mind... yup yup..... darn anti-bush... presents a really interesting stand on why bush doesnt make a gd pres.... the whole election thing... i remb we all expected al gore to win, but bush won instead.... and all those .... shows the corruption of the us govt.... the discrepencies..... the movie is injected w moore's usual humour and sarcasm.... full of ironies and contradictions.... really nice to watch. ha. i remb i liked bowling fer columbine alot.... ha.... this movie is juz as gd, if not better..... but qn is whether those sources are reliable... ha like one hist source-based essay like tt...how valid r the sources... heh. but overall....i'd say this show is a must-watch!!!!!!!! real gd.... power siah... ha. but if u r those thriller/horror/action kind maybe u wont have the patience to sit through this... but still...ha. gd show... bravo moore!!!!!!!!!!! best is... america allows this kind of things.... pity singapore doesnt... if any director wanna do sth like wad moore did here,the movie haven finish production yet the director sure kena thrown into jail le. sigh.....

after e show, went jalan jalan w jamie... walked round orchard....spent bulk of time at heeren... mi bought new wallet, jamie bought halter... ha... walked until damn sian, then went to taka to makan....ate at mos burger!!!!!!!!!! yummmy!!!!!!!!!! mi fav fast food res hahaha!!!!!!! then play w her new phone....like 2 small kids like tt down there happily taking pictures hehe....do so many poses ha... after dinner.... went home... yup yup.... but still had a great time wib her.... next time we meet will be after a's le.... ha.....

k's, tt all fer todae... promised mi aunt i'd bring her shopping one of these days... :D new clothes fer mi!!!!!!!!!!!! whee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha~






argh...... im falling ill again.....shucks...... this sucks....tt darn flu bug has finally caught me.... shit....

let's see...yesterdae was idayu's bd...happi belated bd idayu!!!!!!!!!!!!! went jp w her to makan and jalan jalan fer awhile, then i went back to sch to study w johnson, chonglong and er.....johnson's fran.... ha.... yah....study awhile, then went back w johnson and his fwen..... ya.... yesterdae's gp lesson was oso really interesting. toked abt e aq on gay right's to marry, frm tt we toked abt e anti-sodomic laws, then on oral sex and then sex w animals..... really interesting discussion we had.... cl told me later tt he can nvr have these kind of discussions w his class.... haha.... too bad....

was supposed to watch movie w him but then he msg me say want to go out w friend.... can i say i din expect it? no..... sigh....

todae was silvest's bd.... nth much otherwise....had econs marathon in sch, then come home econs tution, whole day econs basically. sianz..... yah then fell ill... argh......

tmr national day celebrations, hope dun have extra lit lessons.... gonna watch farenheit 9/11 w jamie after tt!!!!!!!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe~ so long nvr see her le.... cant wait...... going to orchard.... ps yep yep.... have lunch and dinner w her yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!! cant wait haha.... :D

airightz.... mi cuzz frm england is here...w mi aunt and her bf... (ya zhiyu is e one i told u abt).... gonna entertain em then gonna zzzz.... byez! hope i get well soon... ha.




latimer din come todae....cancelled her extra lesson....rescheduled it on wed....darn spoilt all my plans.......sian.......but well cant sae im surprised am i? she's spoilt quite a no. of my plans so far...... haiz.....

so many ppl in mi class falling sick.... flu bug going round like some mad craze... annie and gary latest victims..... idayu juz recovered frm sore eyes..... jiahao still down w flu, james as usual e migraines and all..... sianz....... ppl do take care k......

had hist time assign todae....sucked. two source-based case studies....one on sg, one on wwI.....din even finish....oni finished e singapore one.....but then i crapped so much i dun noe wad im writting half e time......shit. shows how ready i am fer prelims.

den went to lick mi wounds(yea rite) by going to jp w lay ping......went to delifrance fer lunch........darn they took away oven baked rice.....had the oven baked pasta but it was too dry.....sianz...... we decided to go to swensons fer lunch on our next lunch outing. ha. dere will have superb oven baked rice w lotsa cheese :D

den walked ard jp....bought nisa's bd pres..... this means mi fri is free fer mi to rot.....since someone alreadt has plans.....oh well. have a feeling i'll moz prob b stuck at home. darn.....

after jp, went to westmall.....walk a lil. showed her e apple stiz stall....really interesting....shd try tt one dae..... forgot to visit the mac aunties and uncles... darn. haven seen em fer so long....miss em and their noise and all..... sigh.....

ya tt pretty much sums up todae....real interesting ya?




woke up yesterdae w a big headache...thnx to mi bro's incessent noise-making as early as 6 in the morn, tt stupid hammering and drillings going on....darn cant anyone ever get a good night's slp? ha....woke todae not feeling too gd either.... but tt's sth else altogether....

hmm...nth much yesterdae and todae.... in short, its juz hw and hw and hw.... had tuition todae....econs.... then tested mi cuzz new car....cant wait to go fer driving lessons(shuddup dustin)....yuppie...then went to adam's road to makan e mee soto dere....yummy.... hee~ now im home.... :P

so many econs to do....sian. argh.... actually i figured econs is so much like maths... anyone who knows me long enough knows how much i hate and absolutely detest maths in the past....since primary sch..... until mi tuition teacher helped mi overcome tt fear and hatred i had for tt "darn" subject.... ha. thanks to her patient teaching and all those practices, i began to actually enjoy e subject in upper sec, due mainly to e fact tt i understood the concepts and could do those sums... yippee....haha. so....looks like its e same fer econs now..... i hope tt there's time left fer mi to get e hang of it yet.....come to think of it, i actually miss math(ya, shocking ain't it)...but now i have to beat econs...muahaha.... sound like im in a battle or sth. alrightz, im gonna beat econs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!!! hahaha.....k im crazee!!!!!!!!!

tmr have latimer marathon....sian..... and marc u'll lose e bet :D...... let's hope she'll be in a darn good mood tmr, for e sake of our lives....*prays* alrighty, tt's enough crapping..... got hist test to prepare for.... haiz... chaoz....