its amazing how the green eyed monster can consume u and tear ur soul to pieces.... i nvr knew the true extent of tt feeling till now. i saw his fran in sch todae... she came for open house...amazing how one look and u know who tt person is....... i dont know y i feel this way, i could juz be drawing castles(really dark and gloomy ones w a thunderstorm overhead) in the air.......making sth out of nth...... but my gut has been kinda accurate.....so.............. sigh.

but she's good-looking...... yah outgoing......... cute.......... ha this i look at her i know, frm her actions and all......... so can u blame someone for liking her? no. she's done nth wrong. after all, zy,des and all so close to her........ there muz be sth abt her tt makes her so attractive. compared to her, who am i? its like comparing a duck to a swan. zy asked me if wanted to get to know her, i think he thinks it'll be a gd idea...... but.. while part of me is curious, and wants to, e other doesnt want to. i dont wish to end up hating her, cos she has things tt i dont, qualities tt make her so much more better then me........ ya, i know, y care rite. hate then hate lor, its so much more easier to blame and hate someone else... but she hasnt done anything to me....... nth at all. so i dont wish to hate someone when they havent done anything to harm me.... but yet........ this green eyed monster in me threatens to do juz tt.

wish i could be blind.....so i wont need to see..... y did he get over me so fast? y isnt it e other way round? i think im seriously in need of a gd eye-washing session or sth.............. i dont know. some ppl get into another r'lship or starts getting obsessed w another to forget this pain...... its so much more easier...... but then, it wont work. i dont want to bring e same pain to someone else when i hate wat im gg through now. its not fair to tt person. so i'll stay alone. at e end of e day, u're always alone. i try to keep e smile on my face, it gets so tiring, i wish i could break......... who am i to think im worthy of him? no..its too much to ask..... its beyond my reach....wad e hell, i got him into tt accident w tt bloody car...wish it was me instead..... i dream tt we'd get back tog again, sometimes it feels so real i believe it, then reality would sink in, like todae, and it all vaporates, so all tt's left is this same pain, confusion etc......... nth. nothingness. numbness. maybe one day i'll reach tt stage. maybe i shd enter a nunnery. after all, God cant hurt u....its only humans tt can. worse still, if they're e ones closest to ur heart.

im falling away............

confusion - me

confusion washes over me
wave upon wave, i stay here helpless
you bind me to this very rock
with your words, cold, harsh, loving and kind

you wanted to stay near
but cruelly, you pull away
why does two people so dear
hurt each other with the cruelties of fate?

yet you remain insecure
you insecurities blinding you to see
if only i could cast myself
into the sea, and never feel again

*my heart,u shall nvr see now*