which would you choose?

so she sat
under the willow tree
wondering
where does she go from here?

so he said
your future is in your hands
do you
want to remain stagnant forever?

the path branches
which would you choose?
tell me
which would you choose?

to give, to care, to love
to hide, to avoid
to ignore?
which would you choose?

so he said
the choice is yours
will you
be true to yourself?

or will you
leave yourself behind?

so she wonder
and she dreamt
a life of her own
peaceful, calm, happy

stop!
you're being selfish!
how can you leave me alone?
voices intrude

where does one go from here?

@@@

sick sick sick. i cant speak. i feel like a dumb person. speaking above a certain level hurts my throat. drinking hurts my throat. and i have cough. coughing hurts my throat. swallowing hurts my throat. darn.

hell. speaking, just speaking, even a whisper, hurts my throat. :(

man, i hate having sore throats. i hate them even more when it gives u a sharp pain, and the pain just increases. my throat is not sore, it is pained. grrr.

@@@

counselling session 2 tomorrow. whoo. and i cant talk. haha.

jj anniversary dinner cum prom tomorrow night. whoot. i cant eat anything there that's spicy and fried. :(

@@@

it is weird hearing/seeing your brother being so mushy. like, downright weird. and no, thank goodness he ain't being mushy to me.

@@@

approximately 3 weeks till i leave for UK. whoot. so many things yet to settle. *tugs hair out*

been really busy the past few days meeting up with friends! first up was dinner with Alex last monday! haven't seen alex for a long time around school, so finally get to meet up with him and some other og mates! alex was going back to aussie on tues, so we brought him out to have dinner at a building near suntec (dunno the name). the veggie cafe we went to has really good food! yummies! roger's deli, the name. very cosy cafe too!

tuesday was spent going to the airport to send alex off at night. the guy is just a boy inside! he was so touched when we gave him little things like a card and a scrapbook of pictures, i think he nearly cried. he is so boy boy lor. and when he finally went in, he just kept turning around to wave at us while we kept glancing at our watches and trying to hurry him to go to his gate before it closes. -_-" haha. will miss the boyishness and his funky hairdo! haha.

wednesday.... i think it was spent at home. haha.

thursday: kendo training. finally managed to do a nice kikentai, thanks to sensei. he kept observing me and figuring out what was wrong, then telling me and using an exercise he uses in iai-do to teach me and the rest to do a proper kikentai with the exploding run-through. sensei also told me that kikentai was my huge weakness, and the reason why i didn't get 6th kyu. during my grading, everything i did was good, except lack of kikentai. sensei said to the grading panel, kikentai was more important than strong kiai, which was why i only progressed one level up. so ym must perfect kikentai!

friday: woke up early for an interview at recruit expess. the interviewer was really friendly, and it was nice chatting with her. if only all interviewers were so friendly! haha~ anyway, she was really trying to help me find a job, considering the short amount of time i'm available for work, and so she recommended a client to me. if i get it, i'll be working in sentosa. anyway, so, i had to send in my resume asap! i actually brought along my thumbdrive with the resume in it, i didnt print one out cos i didnt fill in the objective. but alas, the computer terminals at the office were all being used by my interviewer's colleagues, so i had to find a way to email my resume over. rushed down to nus to borrow siew's lappy (thankies siew!!!!!). after a quick lunch, rushed to chinatown to meet big faith!

big faith brought me to people's park centre and started introducing me to the world of jewellery making. it was fun shopping around for materials, choosing things and conjuring up mental images of how it would look like, and for who. i love making things myself, i handmade christmas cards for sensei and my kendokas. i think making things make it unique and special, even if it was something simple. i think the best gifts one can receive are those handmade ones, cos it shows the amount of effort a person put in to make it for you, and also the amount of thought that went into the making of the product to ensure that it is crafted just for you.

anyway, i think i blew $80+ buying the tools and stuff to make jewellery. hehe. the people who receive them better appreciate them! haha.

after that, had christmas dinner with my arts camp og mateys! the ramen group (comprising of ravio peeps too!). had dinner at centrepoint's pizza hut, then proceeded to boat quay's minds cafe for some boardgames! played until 2plus am, then took a cab back. thanks oliver for sending me and mel back first! hehe~

for my gift exchange, oliver was the lucky fella who got the pressie zf helped me to buy and wrap. i received my pressie from mel. it was a green towel! hehe. thankie mel!

sat: christmas celebration with kendokas at captain's house! made potato salad for the gathering. dax brought a game called dirty minds, it was a rather fun game. basically, there will be descriptions, and based on the descriptions, we have to guess what is the object/subject. the one with the cleanest mind will be able to guess the object, so they say. haha. managed to get 3 of the right! hehe.

after that, we had gift exchange. i received a cute lil snow globe from estee, and a card! ahaha. gonna bring it over to uk with me! funny how i was watching my girl and the focus was on the snow globe then. hehe.

dinner was at sakae sushi at westmall. sakae's food is getting worse. the ramen wasnt very nice. humph. but it was kinda fun, since kitt was being the playful person she usually is, and siew was the blur victim. siew was also rather klutzy. she spilled the chili powder all over the table! -_-" muz be due to the absence of someone. haha. oh, wewemy (jeremy) sent me home for the first time! haha. cos i was giving directions on how to go to westmall and how to get out of it, so he sent me home! haha.

Sunday: met my cousin at imm for a bit. Walked around, then she suddenly had to go off with her bf and his family for a swimming session. Didn’t have time for lunch, so I bought bun to eat while waiting for my dad to pick me up. Went home, showered, headed to a family friend’s house for Christmas eve celebration. Stayed there till 2am! Haha~ was busy entertaining the little girl hehe. She’s so cute lor! And there’s a video of her which we watched, showing her dancing to the theme song of my girl! So cute! Hehe~ and she has not had any prior dance classes! Hehe.

Monday (two days ago): met my cousin again at ps. Wow, supposed to meet at 12 at Chinatown, she didn’t confirm. Lucky I didn’t leave the house. Then received a message saying she’s at bugis, can only meet around 2. 2 came, and still she confirmed the place in orchard she wants to meet me at. 2.30pm, a message saying 4.30pm at ps. Reached ps, she was still at taka. Waited for an hour before she came, by then, only walked around with her for awhile before I left for my dinner with my sec sch mates.

Dinner was at fish n co, glasshouse. Shared the seafood basket for 1 with lay ping. She was already ill, I fell ill halfway through the meal. Haha. Nothing to do with her, I think my body couldn’t take all those constant late night celebrations anymore. :p walked around ps after dinner with them, made plans for a steamboat and movie marathon new yr’s celebration at my house, then we left. Reached home rather early!

Tuesday: met siew and siwei at clementi interchange to go jacket hunting for a kendo jacket. The two princesses were an hour late. Why? Cos when I reached there, both of them were still in pgp, and siew just woke up from a nap. Miss blur queen thought I take 30-45minutes to travel to clementi, when I only take 15minutes. -_-“ miss sick (me) sat there till she was covered with cobwebs and nearly dying of cold and hunger. By the time we reached ikea, it was 3plus. Had lunch there, shared Swedish meatballs while me and siwei had the salmon combo meal, and siew had the fish and chips. Yummies! Then, walked to Queensway shopping centre for jacket-hunting session. Finally found the sort of nice jackets we’re looking for at the top floor! The quotations are with siwei. Really fun going out with them. Haha.

After that, headed to town for dinner with the og mateys at hard rock café! Since im still sick, shared the grilled chicken sandwich with mel. Good thing we shared, cos the serving is humongous! Haha. But it was yummy nonetheless. Listened to the band singing as well, the girl’s voice not bad! Hehe. After that, we left for home. Reached home at 11.40pm. hehe~

Today: im a homebody! Haha. Mum came home, my peace is destroyed. L bro came home with his friends, even more destroyed. And he is going to use the laptop!!! Ym has no entertainment. Haiz. And I planned on getting some work done today. Sigh.

Hope I don’t have to listen to anymore nagging (fat hope). And liaoz, can my bro and his friends hurry up and finish lunch?!!! I want to have my brunch!!! Grrrrr…. Maybe I should find some excuse to escape from the house.

today is a horrible day. why? because, in preparing for grading, lots of negative stuff happened. first, my knee injury returned while i was maintaining my shinai. i think it was because i accidentally over bent it, or i bent it for too long. whatever it was, i couldn't walk for a long time. now i can walk, slowly and carefully. it still feels weird. haiz.

then, i found a big splinter on my shinai. like, omg. that has never happened before, so i freaked out. end up cutting away the splinter, and sanding it till it became flat. but im still afraid, so i borrowed michelle's shinai. thanks michelle! thanks a lot to jesse too! he is so nice. drive down to my place just to hand me michelle's shinai, cos i couldnt well, walk. thankie! and so, i maintained michy's shinai too! hehe.

and then, dinner time. of all the people, i am the "lucky" one to eat a bad fish ball. the taste was horrible. it tasted raw. it tasted fishy. it tasted bad. and i suspect it is now giving me a diarrhoea. damn you fish ball! why me??? and the rest of the fish balls were alright, apparently. haiz.

and i hope i dont get cramps tmr. please please please, no cramps tmr. just for when im grading. please please please.

please let everything go well tmr. i just want everything to go well tmr. so many things happened today, i feel like something is against me. have i not done enough to make people happy? must i be cursed? i feel so depressed. why, now? why?

@@@

the counsellor says i will breakdown one day, if i continue like this. i feel like i am already breaking down. my parents have been on my nerves the whole time since i came back from camp. from my weight, to my looks, to my character, etc etc etc. the criticisms has been flowing non-stop. stop. stop. STOP! i don't want to hear these anymore, i don't want to deal with this anymore, i don't want to KEEP HAVING TO PLEASE YOU, AND EVERYONE ELSE ANYMORE! i can't take it.

i don't cry. not usually. not since a long time ago. but these days, all i want to do is cry.




ok, from where i left off from my malaysia trip first....

sunday, the last day: i must say, the shopping i did the day before was a really lucky good one! why? cos 1) my dear old white sandals died on me after lunch today; 2) my trusty pink purse died on me too; 3) my good handy backpack (my bro's actually) died on me at the airport. -_-"

woke up late on sunday, so there wasn't breakfast. what we had, was brunch. brunch was good old penang mee goreng! yummylicious! haha~ after that, we headed to the huge pet shop to look at lil animals! aww! the puppies are so cuuuute! i declare that i've fallen in love with the shih tzu (sp)! it is so cute! and those sad-looking puppy eyes... awwwww. i know that it is a really playful breed of dog, but aw! so cute! i want onnnnnnne!!!

we looked at the fishes in the aquarium after that. oh! i think the ghost fish is pretty! really! so cool! and and and, there's this funny looking fish with a long nose which it keeps sticking out of the water! haha~ so cute! and and and, the clown fish (the real ocean clown fish, not those pale-looking aquarium ones to raise as pets) and yellow-tail dorsel (?) fish are so pretty too! haha~

considering that my sandal broke in between after lunch and before the visit to the pet shop, i was "limping" around the pet shop with a broken sandal. wahaa.

after that, dad dropped my mum and myself off at gurney plaza for more shopping! and since my bro love to wear my slippers so much, i made him return me my brown slippers which he was wearing and he had to wear my white sandals. wahaha~ he'll be at my uncle's house anyway, so it doesnt matter. heh.

bought more stuff at gurney. i bought a tee from body glove, corduroy (sp) pants from giordano, er cheong sam from the reject shop! haha. another national dress i have! hehe. the cheong sam is really beautiful too! china silk with hand-embroidered design! and it was only RM 69.90! (which is about $35). heh.

rushed to airport after that. thanks to a jam, we didnt manage to have porridge for dinner. instead, had some food at the airport. gave dad and bro the most food! haha. i had soup. :) soup ish good! haha! my dinner!!

reached sg at about 10.30pm? bumped into zhiyu at the airport! he didnt see me though. haha. anyway, when he found out he was rather surprised. lol. such a coincidence. reached home at about midnight.

@@@

tuesday, 12th. kendo camp day 1. died during first training session. arms turned to jelly. but it felt great to know that i didnt give up.

afternoon session was a little better. damien sensei didn't kill us with that session with funny exercises he came up with during the first session. hehe.

night session: everything was going alright until the last 10 minutes. i don't know if you could call it a sprain, but my right ankle gave way when i was having jigeiko (during songkyo (sp) rather). forced to fall out of training to rest it. oh, and my knee was acting up too. so i didnt know if i should place my weight on my left leg, or my right leg. i think that was why my ankle gave way. cos i have a tendency to place my weight on the right leg when i can, so as not to strain the left knee. now i have 2 legs strained, and no idea which one to give a break to. -_-"

wednesday: 2nd day, and i fall ill. woke up, looked at my breakfast, puked. hoorah. what a wonderful day. i didnt get to sleep either cos my corridor was so freaking noisy, with music blaring, doors banging, people talking at all hours of the night. grrr. so i was grumpy and not happy. went to see the doctor after the morning session. gave me medicine for the stomach. banned from eating oily food. apparently, i have wind in the tummy. was under strict orders to not participate in anymore training sessions. haiz. made appointment with the counsellor too, so all my friends bugging me to see the counsellor, you can relax now. settled lunch for my dear kendokas hard at work. lugged 3 bags full of lunch food to hall. that was when i realized i really have no arm power. must take so many breaks on the journey back to catch my breath and give my arms a rest. sigh...

thursday: i had to miss the morning and afternoon sessions for a sep pre-departure briefing, for which the speaker came in 15 MINUTES LATE. grrrrr.... i nearly fell asleep waiting for him! and, i could have gone for the morning session and attend the briefing on time! grrr. the later portion of the briefing was also a rather waste of time. stuff like, "you must not cope yourself in your room all the time. you must go out and engage with people. you must try out the local cuisine. blah blah blah" must tell us meh? do we look like idiots? i mean, we are university students for goodness sake! this is why singapore will never progress. stop treating people like they are 5 year olds who consistently need to be told what to do! and the speaker kept repeating the same points over and over and over and over again and again and again! argh.

i joined in the night session! yay! finally! last session was an all-out session, so it was a killer too. really admire my kendokas who stuck through all 9 sessions. i'm ashamed to say im tired, when they are the ones who are more shagged than me. i don't deserve to feel tired when i have not trained as much as they did. i don't deserve anything.

@@@

when i reached home, the first thing i feedback to my mum was to not do the whole rushing thing again. it is so exhausting surviving on so little sleep, and having to pull out all the energy to go through the activities of the next day. i felt like a machine, going through hell week 2, then reading week, then exams smacked into 1 week, then rushing off to malaysia straight after, flung into the frenzy that is my cousin's wedding, visiting relatives and all, rushing back to singapore, rushing to prepare for camp, camp. perhaps that was why i fell ill. the culmination of the stress, the worry, the exhaustion that's been plaguing me for a month.

how weak. exhausted from all these when i should be exhausted from kendo, like my other kendokas. gah. how am i to improve, like that?

@@@

today felt unreal. like i re-stepped into civilization, and suddenly have more time on my hands. suddenly, i don't have to study, don't have obligations to fulfill, don't have events to rush/see to. the only major activity i had today was to see my counsellor, but sorry folks, i don't want to reveal anything. i dont feel comfortable telling the counsellor about my problems and my past, and it was hard. i dont want to remember about my past, period. to me, they are best left locked up and forgotten. unfortunately, whatever it is, it seems to be the root of the problem. so... there.

the two bruises i got on my arm from kendo have joined together to form the letter 'S'. amazing. my right palm is swollen too. i wonder why.

@@@

the next veronica mars episode airs only on jan 23rd. kill me now. please. whyyyyyy must we wait so long for a good show, and not wait at all for a perfectly lousy show? whyyy??? i havent loved a tv show for so long since..... buffy. i blame yalan for this obsession. wahaha~ nah, thanks yalan for introducing the show! now i keep wondering who on earth shot the dean. my goodness. that episode was like, on the edge of the seat the entire 45minutes. i did guess who the rapist is correctly though! ding ding ding! haha. well actually, the rapist and his accomplice were suspects in my mind, but the shock, and surprise, was that the two were actually in cahoots with one another because there was simply no hints previously to show that the two were even friends. until that zoom-in on the photo... ah... vm. investigator wannabes should watch the show and see if they can solve the puzzle before vm does. haha.

@@@

sep updates: i've gotten my accommodation! now waiting for the hard copy of the liscense agreement to arrive so that i can sign and send it back to confirm my accommodation. hoo! *excited*

wenhui's leaving on 5th jan; faith (small) is leaving soon too... can't remb when. i think danielle is leaving on the 27th dec? thereabouts? and alex is going back to aussie coming tues... ahhh. so many trips to the airport to be made!

ok, that's all for now. bye!




it is time for updates again! from where i left off....

thursday: went kebaya-hunting for my national costume to bring to uk, but i'm too fat to fit into any of them. sob. i need to starve myself. anyway, ended up buying a batik cloth to wrap around as a sarong. now need to look for a top to match. haaaaiz.

went to old ipoh town for the famous ipoh shredded chicken hor fun and white coffee. the hor fun was really yummy! the coffee was too sweet though. :( heh. had dinner later at a restaurant near my aunt's house. 'twas alright. i didnt have much though, just didnt have much of an appetite.

friday: had ipoh's yong tau foo for breakfast. ipoh's yong tau foo has one er liao that cant be found anywhere else (according to my mum). it is really crunchy and yummy... water cress biscuit or something like that. yeah. left for penang after breakfast. reached back at around 2plus. went out to lorong selemat for a late lunch. finally, i have my penang laksa! shared w my lil cousin cher see. hehe~ she's like me, love spicy food! she always shares my food w me, haha. only way i can get her to actually eat. anyway, so she had half my bowl of lamat (spicy/curry) penang laksa. oh, and those going to penang, make sure u go to lorong selemat for the laksa and ice kachang! and the char kway teow! order the kway teow from the old uncle stall across the road. cheaper and tastier. the woman's stall with the extra long queue not only costs a freaking RM9 (i think) a plate, she's also a snob. trust me. anyway, so i was -again- really full for dinner. we went to sushi king, and i had a lil sushi. wasnt that yummy anyway. aiz.

oh, in between lunch and dinner, we went to the uncle who has the huge house by the sea. niko is backie! niko is the cute lil dog they own. played w niko while i was there, so cute!!! haha~ i want! hehe. in fact, i just came back from playing w him agains today. hee~ i want a doggie too!!! *pouts*

so today: was woken up at 5am from my aunt calling cher see to wake up. hehe. cher see is so cute! she woke up and asked, "why wake up so early? where are we going?" her mum was stunned for a while, then replied, "we're going to china lor! you don't want to go ah?" and that made cher see jump up and say, "oh!" and she proceeded to run to the toilet. haha. so cute. about half an hour later, i dragged myself downstairs to bid them farewell. won't be seeing them till this time next year. heh.

now that the noisy lil girl and her brother are gone, the house seems really quiet. i miss the lil girl. hehe. there's no one dragging me around and making me play all sorts of games only lil kids can make me play. haha.

anyway, when i once again woke up at 10am, i had my hokkien mee! yums. penang's hokkien mee is vastly different from singapore's hokkien mee. can't compare. and, the really well-known hokkien mee stall is just a 5 minute walk away from the house! bwahaha. so i had me hokkien mee for breakfast! yummies. after that, we headed to gurney plaza for some shopping!!!

i bought a pair of wedges (sandals), an elle sling bag (which converts to 50 sing, and my mum was the one who saw it and asked me if i liked it as well and bought it. haha~); a dress and a ysl top from FOS (where i even received a free water bottle!); and a book (titled heretic - was going for a really cheap price). bwahaha. major shopping! whee~~~

lunch was light finger food at Dome. still managed to fill my tummy though. heh. i think my appetite's getting smaller. cools! haha. after lunch, we went to my uncle's house agains where i played w niko, walked him, showered, went for dinner, came back to the uncle's house again to watch soccer and played w niko and the big guard dog called ash. ash jumped on me and gave a bruise. haha. but ash is such a handsome dog. such nice shiny black er... hair? lol. ash is rough. haha.

typing this entry put me in a much better mood! let's say that im now in the middle of another world war (need not say the two "countries" bah). and im being called in for judgement. not that i want to, i just kept quiet, but the feminine country decided to just use me against the other country by saying i "agree" with her. so now im pretty sure the other country dislikes me even more.

sigh. having my father and my brother( who is a huge asshole by the way, but i refuse to be in a pissed off mood again so i shall not say what he fucking did) are enough reasons to put me off a relationship and a marriage. i'll be a very contented person with just a dog and a kid (adopted. duh).

going back to singapore tmr night! tee-hee.




alright. now that i have some privacy, i can update! hoorah!

finished my last paper on sat 11am, let's say exams are alright, they're over, hurray!!! hope i do well. anyway, rushed home, did some last minute packing, left for airport, checked-in, met my cousin there, board the plane, an hour and a half approx flight to penang, touch-down, met the driver, reached hotel, checked in, see the room, left for uncle's house-warming party.

the new house is like, damn huge and grand lah! very very nice. there's a koi pond with vase-like thingies that have water spilling out from them into the pond. makes a nice and calming sound. there were plants all over. i love the bamboo shoots. there were palm trees too! and and and, his house overlooks the sea! hell, one can open the sidegate at the backyard and go down to the beach. and the beach is a nice, quiet area. i am so jealous. i want a house like that too! not as big though. the house is so huge, one has to kiai from one end of the hall to the other to be heard. it is 3 story high, and there's even a lift! yep, big and grand. sadly, it lacks the cosy, warm feeling of home.

anyway, for the housewarming, there was a buffet dinner complete with a band. yes, a band! and chefs cooking char kway teow, penang laksa, satays, ice-kachang etc etc etc! well, after eating the penang laksa, i ended up w a diarrhoea. -_-"

sunday: woke up early in the morning, went over to my uncle's house for my cousin's wedding tea ceremony. it was a rather noisy affair, with cameras flashing and all that jazz. great fun! esp since i get red packet. haha.

night. wedding dinner at the hotel lobby. 6.30p.m. was the cocktail reception, after which i left earlier with some other cousins to do the reception/ushering. reception was chaotic, cos there's usually no such thing for malaysia weddings. esp penang. people come late, people sit where they like. end of story. so, i was rather haggard by the end of it all, and those pesky adults (read: parents) hovering over our shoulders "helping us out" made matters messier. give us some credit can. we know what to do, lah. irritating. stop assuming you know what's going on when you weren't even present at the briefing.

anyway, we (as in helpers) couldnt enter the ballroom until the cake-cutting (cut-caking, wahaha~ jj peeps shd know what im talking abt) was over. so we slipped in just in time for the first course of dinner. didnt eat much, wasnt hungry. and i needed to lose weight anyway. (i skipped lunch earlier that day too... haa. no appetite. too busy le) made new friends! cousins from xiang's mother's side. hehe~ so we spent more time chatting then eating. i think those dishes were just a waste at our table. most of the time, the guys were gone cos they had to help out with the yam seng and photo-taking, and the 4 girls left couldnt eat much food. the only thing we managed to eat half of was the veges dish. haha. oh oh oh! wedding gift was a nice-scented candle! phwaaaaar! and i received hong bao agains for being a helper. tee-hee.

monday: swam. went jet-skiing and banana boating. banana boat damn painful can. bum hurt like hell from all that bouncing. the waves being humongous didnt help matters. one of my cousins actually bounced-off the boat/float. i was laughing and gripping the mini handle tightly. ended up w sore muscles the next day.

tuesday: swam. banana boat agains. but sea was calmer, so no fun. hah. checked-out. lunched - had penang laksa, char kway teow and all the wonderful penang food! yum yum! but i didnt eat much lah.

wednesday: travelled to ipoh after lunch. im here till fri. had ipoh's famous ya cai ji for dinner! yummies! having ipoh hor fun tmr. :D

and that's all, so far.

@@@

someone sms-ed me asking me to loan him/her (suspect is a her) 1k. crazy. like i have that much money. the person actually knows me personally, and was begging me and all. the thing is, i dont even have the person's number in my phone, so i have no idea who the hell that person is. and, since i dont have the contact, it means the person isn't a close friend of mine, nor is the person one who bothers to keep in contact with me. so, this person is "nicely" approaching me for help. how do i know i can trust this person?

the reason given was the person needs to save someone's life. what i want to know is, why the need for so much money to save this mysterious person's life? if it is some medical condition, im sure singapore has many funds or whatever available to help the poor. and, the sudden need to urgently borrow such a huge sum of money doesn't seem like that person is doing something legally, or at least, not in danger cos of a medical condition. so, if a person dug his own grave, why do i have to help? esp to someone who doesnt bother to keep in touch with me at all?

it really irks me whenever i receive an sms or a call from someone asking me to help, when that person does not bother to keep in touch with me at all. perhaps i should be glad that i have such a kind and helpful face, but really, i get fucking pissed when people only remember me when they are in dire need of help, and when i reject them, they smear my name. hello, if u really want my help, be nicer to me next time.

yet, some part of my conscience tells me i will blame myself if because of my suspicions and selfishness, i could cause the death of someone else. why oh why must such things occur to me?

@@@

i am fat. i know. you dont have to tell me that fact every single minute of the day. it isnt like i dont do any exercise, i do. hell, i dont even have the appetite to eat anymore since i came here cos of the looks i get. is it my fault if my body decides to expand horizontally no matter how much exercise i do? i guess it is.

i should stop eating, and just exercise 24/7. i should just trade places with a kid from africa. while my family will happily be feeding the poor kid with food, i shall starve myself over in africa. starve to death. then everyone will be happy.

it is so so so hard to not just succumb to the easy way out.




You are longing for some love and affection at this time - not that you have been deprived of tender loving care - but there are times when everyone needs to try something new or to go 'somewhere' else to perhaps experience that little extra 'understanding'.

You are a true extrovert, frivolous and outgoing. You need to feel in control of any situation. If matters are not proceeding according to plan you tend to get extremely irritable and perhaps become difficult to live with.

The way things are at this time it is necessary to 'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be left in abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are able to derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quite close to you.

Your ability to withstand the pressures of everyday life have been overtaxed and this is leading to stress and frustrations. It would seem that for the time being you have lost the resilience and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties. You feel that it is all 'too much' and, try as you may, you are getting nowhere. But to give you credit, you continue to stand your ground and pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity. Naturally this situation is subjecting you to intolerable stress and pressure from which you would dearly like to escape, but you can not bring yourself to make the necessary decision. As a result you remain firmly involved in the problem and you can neither view it objectively nor get rid of it - you cannot leave it alone and you feel that you will only be at peace when you have reached your objective.

You are putting on a show - a facade. You are a master of demonstrating considerable charm in the hope that this can or will lead to better things. Deep down you are fearful that this may not work and that you may have to employ other strategies in order to realise all your ambitions.

from http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm

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im doing fine in malaysia! will blog more later, when i have more privacy. :D