I came home and didn't want to do anything much... so...... I ended up playing with my eyeliner, purple eyeshadow and mascara. See below for the product:



Haha. Eyeliner on my lower eyelid makes me look scary. Haha.

Also, I wish the stupid cramps will go away.

@@@

In every dark cloud, there is a silver lining.




Today was a downright bad day. Training was depressing, not because I fell out or injured myself or anything. In fact, it should be described as inspiring, simply because we had so many brilliant guests training with us today, one of whom is the amazing 7th Dan Kato Sensei. But, it was just bad for me.

Why? Just when you think you're getting better, you're at least somewhere near to your goal, everything comes crashing down again. You realise you aren't even anywhere near that goal, hell, you are not even progressing. You're static, going nowhere. You're still at square one, you never left square one. As Veronica Mars said (something along these lines), "Why hello square one, we meet again."

Wait, am I even static? It seems like I am *gasp* regressing! I'm not even anywhere near a static utopia, I'm in a regressed dystopia. Like that of the Gilead in The Handmaid's Tale, my kendo is just simply regressing. I'm not good, I'm not anywhere near so-so, I'm nada. Nil. Zilch. Someone that is so shameful she should be wiped out of the club.

So I'm not chosen to compete in Youth Tourney this year. So, that is expected. Given my less than brilliant attendance, and definitely shitty kendo skills, gee, I really wonder why (note: sarcasm). If I ever thought otherwise, today's session definitely showed me why. I suck. That is the simple, glaring truth. Hell, people that started training less than a year ago are so much better than me. Me? Three years? You got to be fucking kidding me. You can't even do a proper men cut, for goodness sake. Let's not even talk about kote, dou and all the waza.

Haha, and you even aim to get 5th kyu by this coming grading. Haha. Who are you kidding, ym? 5th kyu?! 6th kyu isn't even possible, going by your standard. Heh, 7th kyu? Probably when you stand in front of the examiners and do the cuts, they'll be wondering why on earth are you even at 7th kyu when you can't even cut properly.

Yes, it is my fault anyway. I could have tried harder and really searched for that elusive Leicester dojo while on exchange in UK. I could have not taken that NM 6-8pm module just so I can make Thursdays training as well. I could have not fallen sick so much, or injured myself so much, or managed my time better so that I could have attended all those missed Monday trainings. I could have tried harder. It all boils down to that.

I've never really cried after trainings. I usually take the criticism, mull over it, try my best to improve on it again and again. But today, sitting outside talking to Sarah, waiting for everyone else, I wanted to cry. The tears were there, but I can't cry. After all, it is my fault anyway, so why bother crying. Three fucking years, ym, what the hell were you doing? Don't even need to say anyone else, you yourself are shaking your head at yourself. No wonder everytime you partner someone, they give you the sian look. "Juniors" look down on you. Seniors just give up on you. Just give up on yourself already.

And the question still remains. What are you good at? Kendo, haha. Obviously NOT. English? Fuck, who are you kidding. Writing; you can't even write properly. Write a poem, oh yah, some stupid poem that was. Write a story? Girl, it ain't flowery enough. It isn't flowy enough. It isn't coherent enough. It isn't even exciting enough. You mean you call this a story?! Write a news report? Haha, this is a news report? Haha. It is pseudo-journalist report writing man. Try-hard wannabe. That's what you are. Funny how the things that you're passionate/interested in, you even suck at them. So what are you even good at?

Organizing events? HA. Making friends; talking to strangers? HAHAHA. Bullshit. There's 10,000 other people out there that are much better than you. And it isn't like these "skills" are going to get you anywhere in future. They aren't, if you're not good at anything else.

So why bother, ym? Why don't you just give up? Why even fight anymore?

You aren't anybody. You're just a nobody.




Hellos! An update, finally! Nothing much really, just want to wish everyone a Happy Chinese New Year! Assuming that there's still people who bother to pop by here, hahaha. Can't blame me, too busy with work. And I don't have that drive to update every single day anymore. Think I outgrew the phase, more or less.

Anyway, so Tuesday of last week was spent at the karaoke with Lay Ping and Feli. Wed was reunion dinner, with bro. Thurs was CNY first day, which was alright I suppose. First time celebrating CNY in Singapore, in my memory. One of my cousins, who happened to be in SG and was the only one in SG, came over to visit for a while with his wife. Who, by the way, is pregnant. Yay! YM is gonna be an aunt again! Haha. Then, we headed to my uncle's place (mum's side) to play cards. I came back with $7.50 worth of coins :).

Day 2 we headed to a family friend's house for a bit. Day 3, back to NUS for Youth Kendo Tournament dry run, where my knee injury came back again. -_-". Then I went for tuition and met Lay Ping at Jurong Point for dinner after. OMG it has changed so much, I don't recognize some of the shops! Like, I was looking for popular and I didn't know it shifted to the basement. So, anyway, while having dinner at Crystal Jade, guess who we bumped into? Marc and Desmond. So we chatted a bit and stuff. That was Day 3. Between Tuesday to Sat (Day 3), I read my lit text, desperately trying to finish it. Managed to complete it by Day 2 (Side note: Ursula Le Guin's The Dispossessed is a darn good book, by the way). Day 4 was spent doing the presentation (slides and essay) for Monday's presentation. And also studying for the Japanese and Current Affairs quizzes on Tuesday.

I have never ever been so hardworking on CNY in my whole life. I am amazed. It is prolly a good thing that we didn't go back this year, otherwise I have no idea how I'd manage to finish my presentation.

Anyway, I'm left with 1 more presentation on Fri and 3 more quizzes. Got to finish reading Robinson Crusoe and doing the presentation and studying for 2 quizzes and the Japanese homework by tomorrow. @_@ Robinson Crusoe is a darn boring book, by the way. On the bright side, there's less than a 100 pages left for me to finish reading!!! Wake up early tomorrow to complete!

I seem to be falling ill every fortnight. For some odd reason. Ain't nice. Hmm...

Oh, here's a song that I absolutely love, and is stuck in my head. Doesn't help that my MP3 always repeats this song.

人质- Zhang Hui Mei