thought it'll get better todae.... thought tt wadeva shit i was feeling yesterdae would finally go away....but it got worse....i havent felt like this for so many yrs....tt hopeless feeling, darkness falling fast, walls closing in on me....im suffocating ever so slowly....im drowning.......i cant swim anymore....im lost....totally lost....i think i've become delusional....disillusioned...can someone save me????? save this heart of mine??????? save my soul??????? i dont want to travel this path again...it was so hard....so hard....i fought it myself,but i nvr came out of it fully....for a short 2 mths perhaps.....but it was robbed frm me... i was robbed of my saviour....how ironic tt now tt saviour has led me to this shit once more....yet e person who could help me...who i want e most is e one who is e cause and e reason for this.... why? why do u haunt me? curse the very depths of my soul?

i nearly wanted to take my life yesterdae... nearly... i locked myself in my rm...things didnt seem real.... things were blur.... i was dazed...but i controlled... i wanted to tok to him...or maybe juz cry to him..... but he didnt respond...... zy was busy..... so i was alone..... alone..... dark clouds were descending over me so fast....i did wad i could....i listened to avril...there's nth better than to feel her music wash over u...her words echoing wad u feel...imagining i was her on stage w a guitar.... then i grabbed my paper and started folding stars... imagine e papers w needles....and when u get to e final stage, u had to squeeze them so e stars will puff out and show..... star after star i folded, like a maniac....not stopping till i tire....till my fingers hurt.... therapeutic? maybe...i dont know....i feel like throwing myself against the wall.....

i told u before y i thought myself a porcupine...all these yrs....e porcupine depends on its spines for survival....those spines were my shell...my outer layer...come close and u'll feel the sting....they were my protection, my means of survival....for me to protect myself frm the cruelties of humans..... but u....u insisted tt i let them down.....u pull them out one by one.....for awhile, i could survive without them.....cos i had u....u to protect me....u to keep me warm.... but u left....i dont exist in ur world anymore...no longer a person....a memory...a dream.... but i...im left w nth..... im dying here......i've got no means of protecting myself anymore......where are my spines? where did u take them to???????? GIVE THEM BACK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want them back....... they're all i have left.....please......give me back my spines....

its a shithole we live in....i fell deeper into hell today....burn.....burn fire burn.... consume me and burn me alive....free me of this world.....free me of him........