its been confirmed. my grandma having a hip operation tmr. apparently she fractured her hip, which explains why she's been feeling intense pain and cant walk ever since she returned to ipoh. she's been bed-ridden. knowing my grandma, it must be frustrating for her.

i'll be honest here. i'm scared. my grandma isn't exactly young anymore. her husband passed away a few years ago. an operation at her age isn't a good thing. my mum told me that the doctor said she had to have the operation right away. i just learned about the op yesterday. my mum will be going down on sat to be with her. i hope all goes well... i hope there won't be any complications. i guess it's a good thing they've decided to have the op at a private hospital. according to them, it's much better.

i know there's something my mum isn't telling me. she left out the details of the actual situation. but since she isn't crying, i guess that's good. i know that she wants me to concentrate on my exams and not worry, but not knowing makes it worse. it's like with my uncle earlier this year. she didn't tell me he had cancer 'cos of my exams, but i see her and my grandma crying, do they think i don't know sth is wrong? and the fact that they keep it a secret from me makes it worse. but i can't force her to tell me... i guess i'll just have to wait and see and hope for the best.

it's funny how you don't realise how important someone means to you until something happens to them. something serious. if you're lucky, you don't lose them, and you can make it up to them after that. but in most cases you're not. i remember taking another of my grandma for granted. i was young then. she died when i was in primary 2, and i remembered feeling this immense sense of loss... i didnt eat for days. i remembered everthing she did for me, i was like her pet niece then, and she was my favorite relative. then, my parents lied to me and told me she died cos she drank too much coke. now i know better. it's cos of breast cancer. my aunt died cos of that too. now my mum is worried i'll have it too.

but that's not the point. the point is, i should be there with her too. should be there to help look after her. she looked after me when i was young, even now she looks after me whenever she's down in singapore. she'll come down when we ask her to and help with the housework so that me and my brother can concentrate on school and exams. she'd sleep in my room with me. we'll have talks at night about everything, about life. sometimes i'd hear her sing. can you imagine none of that happening anymore? i can't. she'd go to the temple around this time to pray for me and my brother, asking that we'd sail through our exams and get good grades. she's always been independent, been strong. it must be so hard on her now....

all i can do is pray. pray for her safety. pray that it'll all be ok. pray that she'll be fine. pray that nothing else happens to her. Goddess of Mercy, please look after her. please watch over her. please don't let anything happen to her. please. thank you.

i feel so helpless....