when i said i wanted to get out of singapore for a while, i meant as in a holiday. go shopping. have fun. chill. i wasnt and definately did not mean rushing out of the country in 5 hours to attend a funeral. no, i definately wasnt expecting it at all...

it started out fine enough, wook up, dragged out of house by parents, hence having to cancel my meeting w zsa(gd thing too). went to killiney at town for lunch, before that, recieved a call to say that grandpa was in hospital. icu. unconcious. it was shocking... we weren't expecting it. the mood in the car definately was heavy. it as then tt i was being chosen to accompany my dad back to penang to visit gong gong.

barely after finishing lunch, at 1.45, we recieved news that he had passed away. dad sat in the car, crying. rain poured down from the heavens, and it didnt stop till we were at the airport much later. we were shocked, but it wasnt unexpected. only.... did it have to happen so soon? why couldnt he had wait for a few more hours?

so i ended up, on very short notice, flying back to penang with dad for the funeral. mum's coming over tmr, bro is not sure, cos of exam on fri. sigh..... i remembered promising him that when i come back for cny next year, i would have learnt how to speak in hakka. i only know how to listen to conversations now, but given time, i would be able to at least greet him in hakka. why couldnt he wait? i cant even keep my end of the promise for him.... staring at his lifeless form in the coffin, i struggled with myself, not to cry.... i hated myself for only being able to call "gong", and not announce that i'm there to see him in hakka..... im sorry i failed my promise to you.... gong...

prayers started, and chants.... im left to care for the younger cousins.... trying to keep them well-behaved while chanting.... im only thankful they seemed to have some idea of what was going on..... i am the only one left here who has to be strong. i have to care for the young, while being the support for my father, aunts and uncles.... i cannot cry....i cannot break. i cant allow myself to fail my grandpa again....

writing is all i have to live, writing is all i have to pour my heart out to... gong, please rest in peace. i will pray for you....