had kendo kai's annual general meeting today, it was fine. had fun. until i was nominated for publicity head. i had hoped i wouldnt be nominated, bcos i felt i'd just cry if i had to turn it down. well i didnt cry, but i very nearly did. i rejected, bcos i knew my parents would nvr agree to it, due to money matters, and cos of tt, im in netball n im running for the main comm. i wouldnt be able to commit fully. i stated those reasons, and it was accepted. but not without objections.

and then, my dear seniors(n a bugger who means well, i know, called alvin) talked to me, and told me that i could loan the bogu(armour) frm the club for free. no charge. all i had to do was pay $100 for the shinai, gi n hakama. a $100, i can afford, i will pay it myself. so my heart lifted, and i hoped. i hoped that i would be allowed to continue on in kendo. really, i love my seniors a lot. over supper, they made me feel like one of their own, and they really mean well. so when i left, i was smiling again, and i hoped and believed my parents would agree to let me continue.

a fool i was. i should have known better. years should have taught me there's nothing in life worth hoping for. nothing. my existence was borne out of living for someone else, not for my own. was it a surprise then, that they refused? i shdnt have bothered trying. i apologise. my mistake. i erred. a moment of weakness, as you have said. must you be so harsh? why is it that my wishes and my passions, my dreams and aspirations, never mattered to you? no, you always have to take away what little happiness i have. you try to make me see reason, i have seen enough. i accepted. but now i am presented another chance. a 100 dollars, i say i am willing to pay. you say i do not know the hardship of earning money. i will tell you, dont give me crap. have you tried working at macdonalds before, getting burned almost all the time? have you tried teaching a bunch of kids who have long given up hope on studies? have you tried sacrificing sleep to camp? no, i know the hardship of money. i also know that, in the short time of my learning kendo, i have come to appreciate and love the art. i had always hoped i would be able to continue with it, and now that it has presented itself, you smash it all again. thanks for nothing. i know i am nothing to you. i am worthless in your eyes. ever since i strayed from that path you laid before me, i have ceased to be anything more than an object to you.

this is my life story: i left glory kindergarden for nanyang, and continued on to nanyang pri. but i was never happy, and you never knew. i knew you wanted me to be there, if only to uphold the prestige and honour of the family name, so i tried and i suffered silently. have you ever cared to find out if was ok? no. even when i cried myself to sleep those nights, you turned away, brushing it off as nothing. even when i was constantly being scolded, and forced to be friendless by teachers, you didnt care. even when i was being prejudiced and discriminated against, by teachers and students alike, you remained blind. even when i was screaming out for help, when i started getting beaten up, being pushed, being hurt physically and emotionally, poked and stepped on by everyone around me, betrayed by those i held dear, you turned a deaf ear. i tried so hard to please you, but you were never pleased. instead, you made things worse for me. you canned, slapped hit me, you insulted me, you never believed me. you never knew that i tried so hard back then, to take that step that will free me of your cage, but i never succeeded. so i lived on.

enter secondary school, my confidance shakened, i trust in people gone. but those were one of the best times in my life. i learnt and loved the school, the people around me, for they not only accepted me, they looked out for me, protected me, cared for me. more than you ever did. more than you ever will. so with them, thanks to them, i pushed on, i held on, i smiled, and i soared. i proved myself. but yet, i was not worthy in your eyes.

enter jc. here, i strayed. im sorry, but i love the arts, and i would be doing academic suicide taking science. so i debated, discussed, and you reluctantly let me go. i know you still hold it against me. so i tried, once more to prove myself, to you. and yet it wasnt enough. and once more, you torment me. with him, you tormented me. a story long gone and buried, you constantly dug it up to remind me. how i loathed you then.

so now i am in uni. i was looking forward to making my own decisions, living a more independent life. but alas, i was wrong. i had hoped for too much. my modules, i chose only with you approval. my timetable, i did, only with your consent. my ccas, i joined, only if you agreed. so when it came to kendo, you rejected, trashed, trampled, crushed, doused the fire in me. do you know you hurt me? all these years, you were the ones hurting me? the thorn in my heart. i bleed. the catalyst for the tears. im in netball, bcos you agreed. bcos you saw it as sth worth my time. bcos you enjoyed the idea of only once a week trainings, and even then, with some objections. kendo to you was sth that wasnt worth it, but how could you understand? you never will, and so you thought i wouldnt. you assume it was just a passing passion, a weakness in my part, that i was swayed by others. you didnt, refused to listen to me. you yelled at me. i had enough. i turned and walk off, holding back my anger, holding back my tears. you crushed my heart, crushed my hopes. instead, you ask me to go and focus on bizcom instead. bcos u approve. bcos u saw its usefulness. pragmatic, arent you? but how abt me? how abt listening to me for once? how abt allowing me to fulfill my dream for once?

i am sorry that you would never understand. it is always the ones closest to you that hurts you the most. damn the heart, then. love is nothing but a bag full of shit. i cease to feel from now on. i should never have shed the shell. i should never have gave in to hope. i know now. i learnt. it would not be in vain. i will never make the same mistake again.

-the tears you shalt not see, this pain you shalt not know-