warning: i am not in the mood to censor myself in this entry cos im just too frigging pissed, so if you are the sort that gets easily offended by the kind of words im going to use in here(ie vulgarities), please leave. dont flame me just cos you dont like it, bcos I DID WARN YOU.

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whoever said that dinners are happy affairs should go kill themselves right now. dinners are the worst possible time of the day, especially family dinners, because that's one everything gets laid on the table and more often than not, ends up in a quarrel that just makes someone fucking pissed. today is no exception. it started out fine enough, except that my aunt accidentaly cooked too little rice, but i volunteered to have the porridge and shared it with my mum while my aunt gave up her rice to eat bread. so guess where all the rice went to? to my glutton of a brother, who still had the gall to complain that there wasn't enough rice, when he earlier retorted that he wasn't hungry when he was asked to set the table. the rest of us are STARVING ourselves just so that he could have a proper meal, and he did not even say THANK YOU. for bloody sake, he even had the gall to eat my and me mum's porridge! and would have ate it all if i hadn't scolded him.

so i suggested cooking mee for my aunt and my mum, but apparently they already had mee for lunch, so they didnt want to. so i suggested going for supper, and the glutton immediately jumped at the idea. but my mum didnt want to, and cos she didnt want to, she didnt let me go as well, bcos "yuen mei will get fat if she dares to eat supper." wtf? i WAS FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE SURE U FREAKING GET A PROPER MEAL AND EAT WELL, AND HERE YOU ARE INSULTING ME! sometimes, people just do not deserve good intentions. so I am supposed to starve myself as well huh? it wouldn't be so bad if you have something edible to eat at home other than maggie mee(NO! you may not eat cos it has msg, and you'll grow fat yada yada yada) and biscuits and whatever tidbits. so i just shut up. pardon me if i get gastric, not my FUCKING FAULT.

and the glutton? mum said he's too young to go, will get caught by police since he is 16. to which he replied, "17." well yes, technically, he is 17 this year, but for goodness sake, you ARE NOT 17 yet! and you know what he had the nerve to say? he said, and i quote, "as long as have parent to accompany to go can already what. i just say jie(sis) is my guardian lor!" oh ya, so smart right? when in favour, just use my name right? HOW ABOUT FUCKING ASKING FOR MY PERMISSION FIRST?! and when i ask him for help, "NOT FREE." not free? guess what dude? I ALSO NOT FREE TO GO SUPPER WITH YOU. go get caught by the police for all i care.

and when clearing up, me and bro(NOTE: AND bro) were asked to clear everything up. i have no probs with that, but my bro went to say, he has homework. to which my aunt replied, u still have the whole of sunday. to which he said, but im going out for sushi tmr. hello? u going for sushi so? cannot finish homework, dont go! dont give that as an excuse to get out of duties at home which you are supposed to do, and expect us to wait up for you! and when i asked him to wash those two pots in the basin along with his utensils, you know what he said? he said that i was being unfair! why? cos he always has to clear up the (remaining) dishes and wipe the table after he's done with dinner. so? WHO ASK YOU TO EAT SO SLOWLY? expect us to wait for you to finish eating dinner ah? THE WORLD DOES NOT FUCKING REVOLVE AROUND YOU! we have lives to lead too! in the end, i was made to clean up EVERYTHING, juz cos i was borned a frigging girl. ah... so yuen mei doesnt have homework as well right? so free to clean up after my bro right? why dont i just quit school then? HELLO, BASTARD, this is my tests, projects and assignments period, other than going to school, trainings and coming home to study, i dont have time to do anything else, while YOU GO OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS ALL THE TIME AND COME BACK FUCKING LATE, making us stay up and wait for you to come home just so that we can ensure your safety and go to sleep. BLOODY ASSHOLE. dont give me that "I have homework/ not free" bullshit. THAT IS NO EXCUSE. just two pots, so hard to wash is it? not like i ask you to wash the pile of dishes waiting for me on the dinner table, and wipe the table, and throw the litter, and wipe the dishes dry and keep them! and here that bastard is, complaining, and saying im being unfair, that washing his own stuff is enough. fine. GO FRIGGING wash your own clothes, hang up your own clothes, cook your own meals and earn your fucking money. you ass still owe me money.

sometimes, i really do HATE my brother. if i weren't so nice, i would have KILLED him, but then again, that would be murder, and no point in myself suffering under the law for that bastard. i'll just wait, only a few years left, then i'll get my own place and shift out of this damn hellhole and carve a life for myself. and leave that bastard to rot. bloody idiot still dare to take my guitar and play with it without asking for my permission, and after that just throw it at one side and expect me to keep it. "after all, it's her guitar, spoil already not my problem,"must be what he's thinking. HEY ASSHOLE, i worked my butt off during those 3 months in MACD instead of going to JC and saved up my salary to buy myself the guitar and all the accessories plus the self-teach book, and here you are using it as and when you like and not taking care of it! i've got news for you dude. U SPOIL IT, YOU FUCKING GO BUY A NEW ONE FOR ME. so go ahead and spoil it. im not afraid, my heart may hurt, but hell, i am so going to drip you dry by making sure you get a much better and more expensive one for me. so just go on ahead. I DARE YOU TO.

and his response to dad offering to pay for my LASIK surgery? "HOW ABOUT ME? i need money for my education! cannot!" why is it always about you?? fact: i need to go for LASIK cos i am in danger of going blind. fact: he wants the money cos he wants to go overseas for his university education, when here i am stuck in singapore bcos my parents, after countless (empty) promises, changed their minds. fact: he uses money to buy oh what's the latest craving? oh ya, a new bag, when he just got a new one during chinese new year. and i NEED a new backpack(which im going to get using my own money) becos sadly, the one i have is tearing apart. you can ask siew, michelle or sarah. they saw it. and i dont even change bags that often. most of my bags are given to me as gifts by my friends/relatives/petrol stn. yah, my backpack has been with me for 3 years(i think, maybe longer), and it was free. he changes bags like every yr, or half a yr. and each time he changes a bag, it's to get a deuter or some other expensive bag, while i still get free ones or cheap ones. seriously. someone should just cut off his supply of money. it's so sad to see the free reign he has over my parents, and i cant do anything about it. what can i do? first, im a girl, deemed more useless than a guy. second, im an arts student, deemed once more, useless, after all, science and math has always been the way to go in this family. third, im just the sister. oh how sad. i tried to do something, they just wont bloody listen. if this family falls apart, it's not my fucking fault anymore. if HE SCREWS UP HIS LIFE, not my fucking fault too. i wash my hands clean of this.

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now that that is off my chest, i shall now try to think of happy stuff to post. happy stuff.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAY PING AND DUSTIN!!!! friends from sec sch... gosh i feel so old. wahaa~

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next happy stuff, KATA!!!! kata was fun today. i like kata. why? it's just so beautiful. really. it's so deliberate and intense, it's just beautiful. watching the kata vid taicho sent, im like, "wow!" in a way, it's like a dance you know? there are steps you need to memorise and remember, but after lots of practise, it becomes natural. and ALIVE. and oh so beautiful. of course if you were to watch me doing it you'd go "SO HORRIBLE!!!" but wells, haha~ dont watch me do it. haha~

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often, i wish that the unhappy stuff will occur first, then i have kendo. cos after trainings, i tend to be happier, and full of energy(dont ask me why). but that would mean not going home. cos everytime i do, something fucking happens and just burst that happy bubble of mine.

i so need bleach right now. why oh why is it only coming out on tuesday???