kato sensei came down to join us for kendo training for a short while last night. the expression on my seniors' faces when they saw him, it was as though they were literally glowing! well kitt was glowing, and freaking me out as well. haha~ but anyway, we(juniors) were pleasantly surprised when we saw him, cos he sure doesnt look like a 70 odd yr old man! he looks so young and healthy, i feel ashamed.

and i felt even more ashamed after i had to drop-out of training last night. some told me it isnt my fault, i have pushed till the limits, but i still feel guilty. why? firstly, because it was my negligence and ignorance that caused one of my seniors to tsuki me, hence catching me unawares, and thereby bruising my throat. for a moment, i was choking, couldnt breathe, and tears were streaming down my face. but after a while, i felt a little better, or so i thought, so i carried on with training. after a while, my throat started to feel a little blocked, such that it was hard to draw breadths. then, i started feeling hot, and light-headed, and little black spots started dancing in front of my eyes. i knew that an anemic attack was coming, but i wanted to stay on and push myself, to see if i can go on. i hoped that it would go away. but it got worse. not only did my cuts suck, my posture, kiai sucked and i felt ashamed and disappointed with myself. i also felt tired. but i felt , most of all, apologetic towards my partner and angry with myself for not being able to push myself that much to do good cuts. i couldnt even stand and listen to his comments properly, but rather almost bending over gasping for air. so i fell out, once more succumbing to that stupid weakness of mine.

to the senior who tsuki-ed me, i dont blame u or anything, so please dont feel guilty. it was my fault in the first place. after i got tsuki-ed, i thought the reason was because my kamae was too weak, ie not pointing at the throat, but wai leng told me that it was because i was too close, thereby threatening the senior. hmmm... food-for-thought. anyway, im feeling better now, tt little red patch is gone and i can resume kiai-ing on monday!

hopefully, i dont make anymore stupid mistakes. it wasnt that i got injured, it was that in my injury, i made my senior feel worried, and i feel even worse for that. after all, since it's my fault, i should be the only one feeling bad, not anyone else. sigh... why is it that i can never get anything right??

and when will that anemic thing go away????? i dont want to have to fall-out becos of that, and i dont want to actually faint because of that! each time it comes, i feel weak, and since young, i have learnt that weakness is not acceptable in this world. even the poor are strong. there is no place left for me, except to become stronger. i fought to where i am today, and i hope i have the strength to keep on fighting.

adieu.