i cried myself to slp last nite.... e tears juz flowed after wad my parents said to me..... all this while i have been trying to be strong, to look forward, to not dwell on wad had been done, but their harsh words juz broke me. my feelings, they did not care, my thoughts, they did not care, my words they would not listen, all they saw was a girl who didnt seem bothered by her dismal prelim grades. last night, my parents finally told me what has been on their minds for so long. they told me that i wont make it to a uni, they told me that i was a lost case, they told me that it was a mistake to let me go to a jc, when i shd have gone to a poly. how funny. u were the ones who planned my life for me. u were the ones who dictated where i was to go, what i was to do. u placed me in nanyang pri, where i was to suffer ppl's beatings and insults. when i went to assumption, u were determined to get me out there, but i failed u. so i worked hard, not so much as for my own, but for YOU. to make u happy. and i was able to go to a jc. u know i wanted to do mass comm at ngee ann, but u refused. u knew i wanted to go to pj, but u refused. u forced me to go to jj, filling in my form for me. e only thing i was able to make for myself was my decision to go to arts. but u expected me to breeze through tt course. u expected me to score As, when u nvr supported my decision. all these while, u have been cursing me the very day i became an arts student. cursed me for not living ur dream of taking science, cursed me for not being mathematically inclined enough. what have i ever done to u to deserve this? all my BITTER and MISERABLE life, i have tried again and again to PLEASE you, but it was NEVER enough. i have tried to be e daughter u desired, i have tried to be worthy of ur love and attention. i have tried, and i keep trying. but u nvr gave so much a glance at me. it was always my brother. tall, skinny, handsome, smart, sporty younger bro vs fat, blank, ugly, stupid me. that has been what u thought of me as. thanks for telling me that yesterday. after all i had done, giving MY LIFE to u, u treated me this way. yes, i felt rage yesterday. i could just tear u up. u forced me to take a levels, and now tt im at the door, u spat at me. rather than supporting me, u left me to die, as u have done b4. but tt time, i survived. now, i swear i shall survive, or die tryin. but this time, its not for u. its for me. to prove to u tt i dont need u.

thanks for everything. im sorry i couldnt be the perfect daughter u asked for. im sorry i cant match up to my brother. im sorry u love him more. im sorry i nvr meant anything to u. all i wanted, was to feel ur love, the way u love my bro. but i see now i will nvr feel that. why then, did u have me? why didnt u kill me when u could? why bring me into this world, if only to suffer? why? why, when u have decided not to love me? why? WHY WHY WHY? why didnt u just kill me????????

im not needed by u anymore.
im not needed in this world anymore.
i give up this fight. i surrender. u win.