i wish i could stay on in UK forever, and not return to this place. i've had such a "warm welcome" back to singapore that i feel so "loved" (note: sarcasm). honestly, this sure is a wake-up call and i wish time had stopped in UK.

i've lost my freedom, my independence, my sense-of-self. my happiness, the joy i felt in UK being who i really am were things of yesterday. a shadow of myself i must now be. i must cease to be who i am to fit back into the mould, to fit back into people's expectations of me. instead of thinking of myself now, i have to constantly give and give to others, 'cos it doesn't matter to them what i really want. why should it matter? it never mattered before, why should it be any different now?

i don't see the sense nor justice in the way i am being treated now. if i was ever looking forward to coming back, actually happy about coming back, someone should have shot me. people who i thought "friends" keep wanting my attention, nay, DEMANDING that i give them my attention. from the time i touchdown, people have been demanding that i give them my attention. and here i am, giving and giving and giving, doing my utmost to help, but no matter how much i give, it is never enough. it could never be enough. it will always fall short of their expectations and then i am to be blamed for it. yes yes, it is my fault. why bother welcoming me back then?

how i wish i was still in UK, where i can be myself. ironic how marc's welcome message is the most accurate reflection of a welcome i would receive: 'welcome back to singapore. welcome back to reality'. ah yes, reality. it is my downfall then, that i had dared to hope that life would get better when i return from my exchange.

wishing the world would go away...

*edited to add* if you're wondering what happened to my UK blog, you can access it through this link: http://europeanreflections.blogspot.com. i haven't closed it yet, as there's still some photos that i owe. after that will i officially close it, to be looked back on with fond memories.