wow. it's been a month since i last updated! amazing, considering that i used to blog on a daily basis. just don't seem to be able to find the energy to do so anymore. i mean, the idea of an online diary is kinda lost with the knowledge that each time you write an entry, you have to choose and censor what you want to say so as not to offend anyone out there. so yah, that pretty much takes away the agency for me to keep updating.

but anyway, my neglect of this blog is also due to (horror of horrors) the immense amount of workload i've been hit with this month. not to say that i'm any freer now, 3 more essay papers to write and exams are coming, but oh well.

in anycase, my purpose in writing today is because i've been seriously out of my usual element lately. as in, things are bothering me, and i don't know why they are, but they are. and each time i click on my msn list, or go through my phone book, i realize that hey, there's no one for me to talk to.

ever get the sense that despite the multitude of friends you have, you are inherently (correct me if i'm using word wrongly, 'cos i saw it used like this somewhere before. i think.) alone? i think i've had this feeling for a long time now, but for some reason, it just keeps hounding me these few days. i don't know why. maybe it is the sheer amount of stress i'm trying to deal with. or maybe it is my having to really really put in so much effort to please people, such that i end up not pleasing myself. or maybe it is the fact that i have to keep things i'm not happy about to myself, 'cos you know, i'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody cares anyway. but yes, suffice to say, i haven't felt this for a long time now and it sucks because, the last time this feeling consumed me, it wasn't a good thing.

not for the first time, i'm left wondering whatever happened to that small small group of close friends i once had. the people whom i could count on to listen to me whenever i needed to talk. the ones who don't mind yakking on the phone no matter what time it is, even if it was at the ungodly hours of 3/5 am. now would be really good since my insomnia came back in full force, and i can't sleep till 3 or 4 am anyway.

but then again, there's no point in looking for close friends anymore. after all, the ones i had drifted away, what's there to stop the new ones from taking the same path. at the end of the day, it'll all be a cycle and i'll ultimately be left with that feeling of emptiness again. better to prevent it now then to let it kill (figuratively speaking) me later.

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I really really need to read. I need to lose myself into that wonderful world of fiction. I need to re-discover that intense joy and passion I get whenever I read a darn good book. Alas, for all that work that takes up all my time. Sigh.